Two pies for Donald...

There once was a little bunny named Donald. Donald lived on the outskirts of a small village on the outside of London. There was nothing Donald loved better than to hop into the village and smell the wonderful aroma of pies as they cooled on the baker's racks. "There's nothing I love better than to hop into the village and smell the wonderful aroma of pies as they cool on the baker's racks" Donald said thoughtfully to himself.

This became a daily ritual for Donald, but unfortunately there came another tradition not so wonderful. For whilst Donald stood gazing longingly at the pies, the other naughty little rabbits would gather around and tease him. "You are poor and have to eat government cheese, and other bits of state funded edibles!" they would jeer. This as you might well imagine made Donald very sad. Sad not only because he was indeed very poor, but also because he never got to even taste the delicious smelling pies.

Time carried on, each day much the same as the one before. Donald would hop into the village and enjoy the smells. The other little rabbits would hop over to Donald and enjoy the heckling.

One day, the town crier called out from his high perch, "The butcher is coming, the butcher is coming!" This was the cry that everyone dreaded. This was the proudest moment of the crier's life. "I actually got to yell something other than the time and various bits of gossip!" he thought.

The butcher loomed from above the small rabbit village and with one sweep, swept up the rabbit closest to him. This ironically was the town crier in his high tower, thus making it the best and worst day of his life (in that order).

"Run!" everyone yelled as they tried to hop away. A dark realization came over the crowd as they realized that they had become very fat from eating pies every day and were quite unable to conduct any physical exertion on their own. It's not that they were particularly fond of eating pies every day, but it just seemed so much fun to chomp one down in front of the poor Donald chap. "We can't run because we're very fat due to the overconsumption of sugary pies!" they were heard to yell.

Now the following will say quite alot about you and your opinion of such things. You will be allowed to select the ending you think most appropriate. They are as follows:

Ending number 1: Donald laughed as he saw the butcher sweeping up little fat bunnies to put in his award winning bunny stew. "Ha, ha you evil nare-do-wells. I'd help, but you would never offer me so much as a single piece of delicious pie. Add to that your incessant need to badger me regarding my financial woes!" And with that, Donald hopped off to happier climbes where he started a bakery of his own and had just as much pie as he wanted.

The end.

Ending number 2: Donald heard the din rising from the village and lept to his window. You see, he had not been eating pies all these years and was very capable of leaping to the window or anything else he chose to leap to.

Donald ran into the village and with a mighty leap, jumped up and spun a 180 degree turn. Donald kicked at the butcher's mouth and broke out one of his bicuspids. The tooth lodged soundly in the butcher's airway, causing him to cough and gag as he stumbled away from the rabbit village.

Cheers rose from the villagers as they tried to lift Donald upon their shoulders with little success. "Oh, sod it, we'll just give him a reward for his heroic efforts!" they said. And with that, they led Donald to the one place he frequented every day his entire life. The bakery. Donald selected one boysenberry and one cherry pie which he savored and relished for the rest of his life.

The end

P.S. I know you chose the first ending. Sick-o's.

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The absolutely biggest pumpkin pie ever in the world...

There once was a very fat baker named Smith. Smith was renown for his work in the cupcake arena and for his invention of "cremed" fillings. While it took several years to perfect this whipped delight, Smith endured failure after failure to achieve this, his ultimate success.

Despite his culinary victory, Smith was not satisfied. "There must be something out there that can satisfy my need for greatness." he thought. Smith thought and thought. What was it that would bring him even greater happiness and success than cremed fillings? There must be something.

Day and night, Smith pored over recipes and sweat over his drawing board. This as you might imagine, was a great deal of sweat and made it difficult for his pencil to properly mark the paper. Smith could not sleep at night. He could not eat during the day (this may or may not be somewhat of an exageration).

One day, Smith was enjoying a small and delicious personal sized pie. "This is a small, but delicious personal sized pie. It brings me such happiness and enjoyment." Smith's gaze fixed on the pie as his mind tried to seize upon an elusive thought that wandered about the ether of his mind. "What is it...what is it...what is it?" he whispered to himself.

In a flash of foodular genius, Smith grasped the vague thought. "YES! I shall make the world's largest pie ever concocted in the history of the entire world!" Smith blurted out. Patrons stared, but he did not care. He knew that he was on to the previously unknown meaning of his life. This was going to be the pinnacle of his career.

"It shall be a large pie, in fact the world's largest...but what KIND of pie should I make?" Smith wondered. "Why what better pie than that of a pumpkin pie!"

Smith rented a truck and a medium sized hand cart. He set to work in the basement of his bakery. Night and day, day and night. Trucks came incessently day and night to deliver products necessary to make the pie. An entire field of pumpkins was cleared to suffice Smith's needs. Smith was a wildcat of motion as he sunk deeper and deeper into his work. Hours turned into days...days turned into weeks...weeks turned into three and a half months, which is like some months and some days put together, but there is no real description for that measurement of time.

At last the day came. School children and homeless had gathered in a massive hungry vigil, each hoping for a slice of the world's largest pie. All waited with bated breath, some even had baited breath. This is often a hotly debated topic, but those in the know realize that the later means that they were probably eating sardines, or salmon eggs.

With a whoosh, the large barn sized doors swung wide. With a squish, the onlooker's eyes opened wide with awe. The largest smell of pumpkin pie ever to grace the earth flooded out onto the crowd, practically knocking them over. Children in the first three rows developed several cavities on site, and three diabetics had to be rushed to the hospital.

There behind the cloud of flour, a rotund silhouetted form emerged. Here, standing before them was the master chef. The one who brought forth this behemoth of flavor. The one who would go down in history as the one who did the unthinkably wonderful.

The crowd tensed as Smith called for a hush. They leaned inward as a palpable hush settled all around. "It is..." Smith began, as the onlookers stared at his lips as if to will the next words into existence. "It is...not finished!" Looks of complete confusion crossed the faces of everyone. "What the...?" They muttered simultaneously in disbelief.

"Yeah, I totally forgot to put salt in the mix and it tastes really bad. So go home." And with that, they went home.

The end.

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The biggest, meanest rat...

Once there was a really big and potentially mean rat. The rat was disproportionatly large compared to the rest of the other rats in the colony. As if this was not bad enough, the rat's name was Cecil, and it's common knowledge that the only other rat ever named Cecil was a politician who made some very unpopular legislation regarding the so called, "Cheese tax."

Anyway, Cecil was regarded as one of the biggest and meanest rats ever to scurry the earth. Cecil's appearance was made even more scary, due to a large facial scar incurred one night when he tried to use a sleeping cat's claw as a toothpick. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The funny part, was that Cecil was not mean at all and had a generally cheery disposition. Unfortunately for Cecil, nobody was willing to look past his hard exterior and see who he really was. Nobody for instance knew that Cecil was an accomplished unicyclist. Cecil just wanted to be known and accepted for who he was.

One day, Cecil decided that he was going to let everyone know who he really was. Cecil climbed aboard his favorite unicycle and began riding around the colony. Rats stopped eating and stared with mouths agape. "What the heck is Cecil doing?" they whispered to one another. "Perhaps he's gone crazy, or is having some type of diabetic emergency." some replied.

After some time, Jasper the rat asked Cecil, "Hey, Cecil. What are you doing riding on the one wheeled contraption?" Cecil smiled and replied, "I'm riding a unicycle. It's like a bicycle, but with only one wheel, hence the name unicycle. It means a one wheeled cycle." Jasper frowned...not so much because Cecil was riding the unicycle, but because he used several big words that he did not quite understand. Thus not understanding, Jasper decided that it would be the right thing to do to act as if he disapproved, though he was not sure of what he was disapproving of.

"Hey, Cecil" Jasper said loudly enough for all to hear, "How about you just go ahead and stop doing whatever it is you think you are doing? You look silly and you are endangering the safety of our tails. Tail safety, after all is one of the foremost concerns in a rat colony...everyone knows that." All the other rats nodded in approval. "Yes" they said, "Tail safety is of utmost importance."

"This is who I am" Cecil announced, "I am a unicycler, which is not really a real word, but it's what I am, and I hope that you can accept me for who I am."

"We can't" the rats said, and kicked Cecil out of the colony.

The end.

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Little monster...

There once was a little monster who lived under the bed. Little monster lived with his family and had a very happy life. Little monster had a hard time getting to sleep every night, because he was afraid that there might be a child on top of the bed. "Mommy monster", Little monster said, "I'm afraid that there's a child over the bed." "Silly little monster" Mommy monster replied, "Don't be silly. There's no such thing as children."

"O.k." Little monster said, "and can you turn off the nightlight and open the closet door?" "Of course Little monster" she said lovingly. And with that he fell fast asleep.

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Willy's last stand...

There was once a little boy named Willy. Willy was a small and timid boy who did not like to draw attention to himself in any way. Willy was often overlooked when selecting teams for dodge ball and other playground games. Willy did not like this, but refused to bring it up.

Once, both teams were completely picked and ran off to play "Red Rover." Willy stood there alone wondering why nobody picked him for the team. He did not particularly like "Red Rover", and would much rather played another game, but he would have liked to have been picked none the less.

Willy enjoyed drawing and art was by far his best subject. Willy did not however like math. Math was his "white whale" so to speak. Worse yet, his teacher, Mrs. Bottom DID like math very much and made the class spend an inordinate amount of time on the subject. As if this was not bad enough, Mrs. Bottom enjoyed letting the other students know how poorly little Willy did in math.

One day, Mrs. Bottom called little Willy up in front of the entire class. "Willy, you are the worst at math in the ENTIRE CLASS!" The entire class erupted into laughter. Willy sulked and walked quietly back past the entire class to his chair. "Alright" he thought "If you say so, I AM THE WORST AT MATH IN THE ENTIRE CLASS!"

From that time on, Willy chose to draw, rather than to do the math work. He did not care about math anymore because Mrs. Bottom had declared him the worst. "Why should I try, if the teacher says that I am no good at math?" he declared to himself.

So it went, for several weeks. Willy refused to do math, and Mrs. Bottom continued pouring more fuel on the fire. Division, multiplication, fractions...deeper and deeper his frustration grew.

Finally, one day, Willy had enough. He was not willing to feel badly about his math challenges any more. He devised a plan to teach the teacher a lesson. It would be the pinnacle of his less than stellar school experience.

The day came. Willy was ready. In the middle of class, with Mrs. Bottom droning on and on about why one should think that divisibles were interresting, Willy stood up. He announced loudly, "This is entirely enough!" Mrs. Bottom stopped speaking. The students stopped not listening. All eyes focused on little Willy. "I have had enough of feeling bad about my lack of math abilities and will have no more of it!"

"Sit down and pay attention, little boy!" shouted Mrs. Bottom. "I think not foul one!" shouted the now determined little boy. And with that, Willy took off all of his clothes, down to his underwear. There he stood on top of his desk in his Spiderman Underoos. All eyes stared widely at Willy as he struck a somewhat heroic pose. "I will not be made to feel bad about myself because I do not do well in a subject that will not only have little effect on my adult life, but is also only deemed important by stuffed turkeys such as you, Mrs. Bottom!" he announced. "I am an individual who has great strengths in the creative realm, and there are millions who will enjoy my works that I will create in the future. There will only be a few hundred who will remember you because they had their joyful veneer tarnished because they were looked down on by you!"

Mrs. Bottom glared at the boy. "That will be quite enough!" she shouted as she lunged for Willy. Willy dodged her attempt and hopped to the book shelf. Like lightning, he climbed the shelf and then jumped onto the hanging lights. "Ha ha fiend! I've eluded your grasp!"

Mrs. Bottom poked at him with a long ruler. "NO CHILD HAS EVER ESCAPED SCHOOL!!! Not on my watch, anyways. Call Mr. Biggles the Principal." Marjorie Dorkman, the teacher's pet scurried over to the class phone and made the call. "CODE 1038, CODE 1038!!!" she shouted into the receiver.

Within minutes, Mr. Biggles and the local Police Chief were at the door. Looking wild eyed, Mr. Biggles pled with Willy to come down. "NEV-AAAAH!!!" Willy shouted defiantly. "Have it your way..." Mr. Biggles glared. "Call in the National Guard."

Willy jumped from the hanging lights and onto the hinged windows. "To freedom!!!" Willy climbed out the window and shimmied up the downspout and onto the roof. There, he marched back and forth yelling, "I am Spiderman! I am Spiderman!" over and over.

Classes emptied and all the school's students filled the parking lot to watch little Willy's protest. Fifth grade girls wept as they commented on how tremendously brave little Willy was. "He's dreamy. I can't believe he's only in fourth grade." they were heard to say.

The afternoon wore on into the evening. Still little Willy continued his stand. The firefighters refused to climb their ladders, due to a previously unknown widespread fear of heights. "We have never had to actually do anything like this before." The Fire Chief said, "Who knew we'd ever have to actually save anybody."

The Police were powerless, because the firefighters wouldn't let them use their ladders. "We just polished them for the third time this week." was their only reply.

The National Guard could not use their helicopters because the new President sold them so that he could finance mansions for underpriviledged homeless criminals who were here illegally from other countries.

And so it went. Little Willy marched on and on. He was given food and water by the fifth grade girls who rigged up a pulley system. He was given a much warmer Spiderman costume by his mother who was worried that he would "catch a draft" from marching in his underwear. He wore it proudly, despite the fact that it had a cape. Everyone knows that Spiderman doesn't have a cape.

On and on, he still marches. Willy's 36 years old now and still going strong. Mrs. Bottom went the way of the earth and Mr. Biggles retired to an insane assylum.

Willy's plan worked, and he has not had to do math a day in his life.

The End

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Four tacos for Donald...

There once was a small boy named Donald. Donald was five years old and lived in a abandoned ice cream maker with six cats. This may not seem like much, but Donald was small for his young age and did not seem to mind. Donald was very poor and realized that he was lucky, for some did not even have a nice ice cream maker to live in.

Donald was a particular young man, in that he only liked tacos to eat. This may not seem too odd, except for the fact that Donald ate the tacos for breakfast, lunch and dinner...every day. One wonders where a small poor boy would come up with the money for such a meal, but that is not the subject of this story. Besides, it's rude to ask such things.

One day, Donald went to the taco store and asked for "the ususal." Of course the taco man knew what the usual was and began to make up the tacos. "Where do you live little Donald?" asked the taco man. "I have a nice home, which is of course not any of your business." Donald said. The taco man thought about this for a while. He decided that he would follow little Donald home and see where he lived.

The taco man placed the items in a small brown bag and handed it to Donald. Donald proceeded to return to his ice cream maker, with the taco man in secret pursuit. When Donald got home, he sat down in the dilapidated machine. The taco man was astounded and saddened by what he saw.

Donald opened the brown paper bag and retrieved the foil wrapped tacos. Upon opening the wrapper, Donald's eyes opened wide. "There are only three tacos in this bag!" he exclaimed. Donald was angry. I have gone to that same taco man for several years now, and this is how he treats me?!?" Donald's six cats peered hungrily into the bag and also looked quizzical...not because they could count and realized that there was a desparity between the usual amount of tacos in the bag and the amount in the bag today, but because it is a fairly common thing for cats to do. I don't know why, they just do.

Donald stood up from the ice cream maker and stormed back to the taco store. Seeing this, the taco man snuck away and ran all the way back to the taco store, in order to get there before Donald. Now knowing that Donald was without a decent home, the taco man could not bear to let it continue another day.

Donald finally reached the taco store and slammed the door open with a strong push. "What's the meaning of this?!?!?" demanded the boy. "I come to you for tacos three times a day for the last several days, and THIS is how you repay me?!?!? I should just find me another taco store to patronize. I seem to have enough money for tacos every day, of which I am not going to go into how exactly I receive such funds and you should not ask because it's rude. Apparently you don't need my money, of which nobody seems to know how I gain funds, despite being a poor five year old kid who lives in an ice cream machine with six...count them...SIX cats!"

The taco man laughed, which made Donald all the more angry. "Oh, little Donald. I gave you three tacos so that I could follow you home and see where you lived. I knew that you would come back to the taco store and I would then speak with you about your home." Donald's face got a strange little look on it. "Please, little Donald, I have a home with a kind wife, and a little daughter who is just your age. Won't you come home with us and live as our son?"

With that, little Donald ran to the taco man and threw his arms around him. "Of course, I'll come live with you." cried Donald. "You can make me tacos every day, and I will do chores around the house." Donald looked happily into the taco man's eyes and said, "Can I bring my six cats with me to your home?"

"Nope." said that man. And they lived happily every after. Except for the cats.

The end.

The moral: Four tacos are ok, but three just might get you a home.

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The land of Heranow...

Once upon a time there was a land of many people called Heranow. The land was very old and there were many wonderful things associated with the land. There were businesses of every sort, and entertainment of all types. There were many types of Heranows living in the land and they were very happy. Every Heranowian did their part to make the land a good place to live. Even those who didn't do much, took care of themselves and did not get in the way of the other Heranowians living in industry and peace.

Eventually, there crept in those into the leadership council that did not like the way that Heranow was run. They were unhappy citizens who thought that they knew better, how to run the land. This did not bother the rest of the Heranowians because they knew what was right, and thought that things would never change.

Sadly, those disgruntled ones gathered their friends into the leadership council. The disgruntled ones promised their friends power and control over the rest of the Heranowians. They held parties and told each other how wonderful they were, and how unintelligent the rest of the people were. They planned long and hard for the day that they would take complete control of Heranow. They knew that they could not do it in one day, but would take a long time...after all, diamonds aren't made in a day.

The disgruntled ones made it easier for their friends to make Druin, which was the currency of the land. The disgruntled ones made more and more friends, because it was secretly known that if you were a friend of the disgruntled ones, you would be able to get ahead easier in the land.

Quietly they waited and planned. Quietly they made little moves until soon, they were entrenched and could not be removed by the vote of the people. There quickly developed two classes of people. The workers and the takers.

This once great land was now marginalized. A time came when the voice of the people was to be heard regarding who should be the great leader of the land. The choices came down to two citizens. One was the leader of the Disgruntled ones. He was called, "The Chief Taker." His goal was to finally take complete control of the leadership. The other citizen was called, "The Chief Worker." Unfortunately for the rest of the Hereanowians, The Chief Worker was really an old and lazy taker at heart. This saddened the Hereanowians, because they wanted to have a true leader to make the land the way it was.

Unfortunately, the success of the disgruntled ones was total. The disgruntled ones colored greed on every post, on every docket, and on every flyer. Heranowians could look nowhere without seeing the things that the disgruntled ones wanted them to see. The largest part of the Heranowians began to believe the things that the disgruntled ones taught them. They did not remember how great the land had been. They were only interrested in that which made them "happy." This was the key to the disgruntled one's success.

And so on went the land, sliding lower and lower on the horizon. No one knows what happened to the land of the Heranowians. They supposed that it went the way of so many other cultures that have come and gone. Perhaps there were a few who remembered the golden days of Heranow. Perhaps they were able to wake the others from the slumber of self-centeredness. Perhaps...

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The job fair...

Second grader Timmy Tonka's class attended a job fair. There were all sorts of professionals there to help the little tykes start thinking about how their education will do little to help them in the real world. There were real estate agents, tax men, painters, military men, and many more.

Little Timmy walked up to one man who was holding a large clip board. "Well, young man", the old man asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a professional race car driver.", Timmy said with enthusiasm. "That doesn't sound very practical." the man said, dousing Timmy's excitement.

"Well, in that case," Timmy replied, "I would like to be involved in the manufacture of telephones." "Telephone building is primarily dominated in Asian countries by large corporations, and therefore you will not be able to do that," the man countered with a smug little smirk.

"I wasn't finished," Timmy interjected, "And you are interrupting...I want to be involved in the manufacture of telephones. By that I mean that I want to be the guy who provides the ink used to draw the schematics used in the design of the angles of the screws that are used to make the motorcycles that carry the design notes regarding the computers that utilize the computer automated design programs that devlopers run to measure and chart the plastic casing for the calculators that estimate the cost of payroll for the people who clean the facilities wherein the crime scene tape is manufactured that was used to surround the building where the corporate executive embezzled thousands from the company that sells the metal used to make the multi colored wiring that is soldered within the telephones that are manufactured primarly in Asian countries by large corporations."

With that, the man stared blankly at Timmy. And with that, Timmy kicked the man squarely in the shins and walked away.

The end.

P.S. Little Timmy Tonka grew up to be just that.

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Cristobal the overanxious paperclip...

Many people underestimate the interrestingness of the common everyday office. Take for instance people's misconceptions regarding everyday office items. One might think that, say, a stapler is quite uninterresting. Well, they would be right, for as everyone knows, staplers are quite boring conversationalists and somewhat self-centered. After all, it's the staples that do the real work.

This story focuses on a young paperclip named Cristobal. Cristobal was a very impatient sort of paperclip. He could not wait to someday be useful and hold some really interresting paper together. Cristobal had long ago heard of the interresting chatter that paperwork engaged in and longed to be involved.

Cristobal was tired of the same old paperclip babble that he was forced to endure. His living quarters were entirely too confined for his liking, and he was linked to the other paperclips by that awful little boy that sometimes came to the office on Saturdays to work with his father. Additionally, Cristobal was linked to Brenda and Jill. The two would not stop talking. Brenda was an "artist" and hoped one day to be bent into a really unique statue of a horse or something similarly abstract. Jill was just plain annoying. She only talked about how bent she was that she wasn't linked with her true love Samuel. He was a really shiny plastic clip that marked a music book at the bosses home. Cristobal couldn't stand Samuel, as he was very pretentious.

Cristobal was practically humming with anticipation. Some days, he would interrupt the others and yell that he "just couldn't stand it any longer." Everyone looked at him strangely.

One day an official looking businessman walked close to the plastic cup that Cristobal lived in. The man had a VERY large stack of important looking papers. Cristobal practically jumped out of the plastic cup. To Cristobal's great dissapointment, the man just took a tin of mints from the desk. "Those aren't even his mints", Cristobal glowered.

Then one day. Today actually, Cristobal got his big chance. An overweight temp waddled over to the plastic cup and began to pull the linked strand of paperclips. Up and up he went, until Cristobal finally broke free from the plastic jail. "At last! At last!" he yelled as the waddling temp unlinked him from the rest. "See you suckers!" yelled Cristobal. "I'm off to make new friends, and I hope to never see any of you again!" he added for good measure.

The temp seized Cristobal in his orange Cheeto stained fingers. Cristobal almost passed out with excitement as he felt the paper being forced between his arms. "This is it!" thought Cristobal. Cristobal read the words at the top of the very important papers..."T...P...S...form. That sounds VERY important!"

And so Cristobal lived happily ever after with his new TPS friends. They talked for hours every day...every day that is until an unfortunate fire burned down the office.

The end.

P.S. Fortunately, Cristobal was treated at the Office Depot burn clinic for underprivilaged office supplies. He went on to live a full and rich life as a counselor for narcissistic staplers.

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Sancho the courageous chihuahua...

Once many years ago, there lived a colony of tree dwelling chihuahuas. These were no ordinary chihuahuas, they were the legendary "lost chihuahuas of Tikal". The legendary chihuahuas of Tikal were renown for their bravery and tree climbing skills. This was not a particularly useful skill for a small dog, but it was certainly unique.

Among the chihuahuas of Tikal, there was none braver than Sancho. Sancho's true name of course was "Sancho los Gigante Pero en del mundo". Sancho was cool with just calling him, "Sancho."

One day, the nearby village of Moco Gigante fell under attack from the ruthless desperado, "El Frank-o." El Frank-o was the most cruel bandito this side of everything and the people knew it. This would have been of little concern to Sancho, except that the people of Moco Gigante gave him little treats consisting of pig ears and little smokies brand weiners. Aah, little smokies brand weiners...get some today.

Anyway, Sancho was quite put out, due to the lack of snacks provided by the village peasants. Sancho thought, "Man, I could go for some little smokies brand weiners. They can be found at any of your neighborhood's finer stores. Everyone should have some delicious little mokies brand weiners...TODAY!"

Anyway, again, Sancho decided that this little smokies brand weiner embargo had come to an end. He was going to deal with this El Frank-o and put an end to his tyrany.

So Sancho crept into the village late one night. He climbed a small oak tree and peered over the town. "Where is he? Where is this...El Frank-o?" Sancho watched and waited. Eventually, he saw a stumbling figure stagger out of the local saloon. "I got all the little smokies brand weiners in the land! I am truely the baddest bandito in all the land!"

Sancho knew his target instantly. He crouched on a low hanging branch and waited. The stumbling figure wandered closer and closer. Sancho's heart steeled in anticipation for his assault. As El Frank-o walked under the branch, Sancho lept onto his head. El Frank-o yelled, "Aye chihuahua! Es una chihuahua con bravado en los corazon! No es megusta!"

Sancho nipped at El Frank-o's ears and nose. Tiny bite marks scarred El Frank-o's once handsome visage. "No mas, no mas!", complained the criminal.

With that Sancho hopped to the ground. "Do you promise to leave this village and all the little smokies brand weiners behind, and to never return?"

El Frank-o thought for a moment as he looked down, considering Sancho's offer. With a, "Vaminos!", El Frank-o punted Sancho out of sight.

The end.

The moral: Little chihuahuas should not try to fight crime.

The other moral: Wouldn't it be great if we had some little smokies brand weiners...TONIGHT?

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Chocolate rabbit in the land of giant pink people...

There once was a chocolate rabbit named Cecil. Cecil was a brilliant scientist in the land of chocolate rabbits. He once invented a creme that would prevent melting in the hot summer months. This was of course a boon to all chocolate rabbits everywhere, and they even tried to elect him king of all chocolate rabbits. Cecil declined of course, as he is foremost a scientist, not a politician.

One fateful day, Cecil completed a year long project. It was a space / time continuum transport. "I've completed it!" announced Cecil. "It is complete, and there is no part of which is not complete.", he reiterated.

Cecil strapped on a little chocolate helmet and entered the machine. With the push of a chocolate button, and the pull of a little chocolate lever, Cecil was off. A brilliant flash announced Cecil's departure. Every chocolate rabbit was overjoyed at Cecil's departure. All that is, except of course, Roger the bill collector. It seems that chocolate rabbit science is an occupation that will run up a rather large bill.

"Blam-zippo!!!", the chocolate space / time continuum machine announced, as it entered the new dimension. "Ahh", thought Cecil. "I wonder what wonderful land I've arrived at?" Cecil opened the transport's door and peered out into a bleak and vast landscape. "What a bleak and vast landscape this is."

Cecil hopped out to examine his new discovery. "I claim this land for chocolate rabbits everywhere (except that is, unless there are other creatures much more fierce than us, and would pose a danger to the survival to our species, and in that case, they can keep it).

Just then, Cecil heard a wretched yell. "What could that be?" thought Cecil. Cecil hopped over a hill and saw a terrible sight. There in a valley were several overweight and pink things chasing about after chocolate animals of all sorts. There were chocolate Zebras, chocolate Hippopotami, and chocolate Wilda beasts. They were running for their lives from the large pink things. Every now and again, one of the giant pink things would catch and devour a poor chocolate beast.

Cecil was horrified. What kind of sick place was this, where the dominant species would catch and devour chocolate animals? Poor Cecil did not know, despite his tremendous aptitude for science and the learning arts, that he had inadvertently transported himself to the land of humans...at EASTER!!!

Cecil nearly lost tossed his chocolate chips at the terrifying sight before his eyes. As Cecil the chocolate rabbit scientist was attempting to compose himself, a large pink human fixed his gaze on Cecil's chocolaty goodness. "Mommy, I want the chocolate bunny!" Cecil's chocolate stomach sank as he realized the dire predicament he was in. "I've got to get away!", Cecil exclaimed.

Hopping and dodging the little fat chocolate-stained fingers, Cecil bound towards his chocolate ship. Closer and closer the overweight pink giant came. Faster and faster, Cecil hopped. Cecil could hear the heavy panting from the giant pinkling.

Cecil's head began to get dizzy as he began to worry that he might become the third course in this animal's chocolate smorgasboard. Cecil ran under a low lying bush, and the pink monster's leg became tangled in the branches. Down and down the creature fell, at last coming to a crash a mere inches from Cecil's scurrying frame. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!", cried the foul fleshy fiend.

Cecil made it to the transport and slammed the door. A quick switch and press of chocolate mechanisms and, "Wham-blooie!", Cecil was off.

Safely at home, Cecil gave up his life as a scientist, for it had almost cost him his life. Cecil settled in a small chocolate town, called Hershey. There he married a beautiful Dutch white chocolate rabbit and taught gym class at the local YRCA (figure that one out). He lived happily ever after and had a very sweet life.

The end.

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Thomas the people...

Once upon a time, there lived a person. A human person. This human person had a name. This human person's name was Thomas.

Now Thomas was a small person who did not like a good many things. One of the good many things that Thomas did not like were animals. Yes, you heard it right...animals. No one knows for sure why Thomas did not like animals, but one thing is for sure. He did not like them, and that was final.

One day, Thomas' father tricked him into going into the forest. Thomas' father thought (quite correctly I might add) that Thomas needed to get out of the house more and stop playing his X-station video games as much. Unfortunately for Thomas' father, this was the worst possible thing for a small pink defenseless thing such as Thomas the human to do. One requires practice for such adventures. A warm up of sorts.

But thus it was, as Thomas walked into the forest, his father had no idea of what awaited him. For Thomas walked into the forest under the guise that there was a video game convention in the ring of trees. The ring of trees was a beautiful clearing wherein Thomas' father believed Thomas would succumb to the beauties of nature and forever vanquish X-station from his life. Quite unknowingly, Thomas' father sent him into the heart of the forest on the most magical night of all. This was the night where humans were granted the ability to understand the myriad languages of the forest creatures.

So inward Thomas went, deeper and deeper into the forest. Eventually he reached the ring of trees that his father spoke of. "What the heck?" asked Thomas. "Where are all the video games and the convention I was promised?" Thomas was very angry. "I am very angry." Thomas confirmed. "I was tricked into going into this forest and now I am here and there is nothing but a bunch of stinking animals of various varieties, each hated more and more in ascending order."

"Squirrels, I dislike you. Racoons, I have no regard for you whatsoever. Chinchillas, you know how I feel about you and I couldn't care in the least. Deer, bah. Bears and Donkeys, you can take a flying leap as you subsequently pound sand, if that's at all possible." So there sat Thomas glowering at all manner of now insulted animals. Of course all animals can understand humans, but up and until the next few paragraphs, Thomas was completely oblivous to this fact and to the fact that tonight he would be able to hear just how much they thought of him.

"What's this", sneered the bear. "Something small and pink. My primary diet is the salmon which is also pink. Perhaps I might make a change of menu for one night." "He's a people." answered the racoon. "They live in the square trees outside of the forest."

Thomas' eyes opened wide in dismay. "Did you two just speak?" "Of course", replied the bear. "All animals speak, it's just that you humans are unwilling to listen." Thomas screamed and tried to run out of the circle. Unfortunately for him, such a large group of forest dwelling animals had gathered that he was unable to break out of the ring. "This is not possible." shouted Thomas, "Animals are dumb and cannot talk", which we all know is redundant.

Young Thomas knelt down and cried. He could not believe what was happening. What was he to do? "P-pppp-pp-please, don't eat me." begged Thomas. "Why not, you little twerp?" asked the deer. "After all, you have done nothing but be rude to us and hurt many of our feelings." Now the comments of the deer on this subject was largely irrevelent as they are completely vegetarian. That is all but Brian the meat eating deer...which is an entirely separate story.

Despite this point, Thomas had no idea the eating habits of any of the animals now watching him. Thomas often refused to watch any educational programing, especially the nature channel. Thomas cried and cried.

Eventually, the bear got really tired of hearing Thomas' whining and ate him.

The end.

The moral: "Bears have very little tolerance for whining."

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Francis the nonconforming Norwegian Lemming...

Once upon a time, there lived a large colony of lemmings. If you know anything about lemmings, you know that they are small furry Norwegian rodents who frequently run enmasse over the edge of cliffs to their collective doom. This may seem like a really dumb idea to us, but to them it is completely logical. All of them that is, except for Francis.

Long ago when Francis was just a little lemming, his mother would tell him of how wonderful that one day Francis could join the rest of the colony and jump off of the nearby cliff. This puzzled Francis who asked his mother, "Mother, doesn't that seem sort of counter productive to be jumping off cliffs, if we as a species are going to grow and become masters of our domain?" "Don't be silly, Francis. We lemmings run off cliffs, and that's what we've always done, and that is what we will always do."

Francis did not do well in school. From the first day of "jump school", Francis was branded a nonconformist. Jump school was of course, a series of higher and higher jumping exercises. First off of a curb, then from a bed, then from the top of a building. These jumps were padded with pillows and such things so no to ruin the "big one".

When Francis asked for an explaination as to why his kind hurled themselves to their demise, his teacher would berate him in front of the other students. "Everyone look at Francis." the teacher announced, "Francis does not want to jump off of a cliff. I therefore am branding him a nonconformist." Don't worry, there was no actual branding, just a sharp pinch on the arm for his display of "naughtyness". Eventually Francis' resolve was crushed, and he gave in to societal pressures.

So one day, not just any day, but "THE DAY", came. Tension and nervous excitement filled the colony. Lunches were packed, and lemmings dressed in their finest furs. The mayor announced to the group that it was time for the big jump, and began to scurry towards the big cliff.

The colony followed, eager to soar through the air. Closer and closer they came, and little Francis' heart pounded in his little furry chest. Closer and closer. He could hear the gleeful yells as the front of the pack began to go over. "Horray's", and "This is better than they said it would be's." resounded through the crowd.

Francis' heart sunk as he saw the edge rushing up at him. Would he jump? WOULD HE JUMP?

HE JUMPED!!!

As Francis fell over the edge, he reached into his fur coat and pulled a string hidden inside. Suddenly a large hang glider emerged from his back. With a large whoosh, Francis was saved and soared off to safety.

Francis never returned to the colony (not that there was much of a colony left). He became very successful and went on to start a line of designer fur lined hang gliders, for nonconformist lemmings such as himself.

The end.

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Jose the fish...

Once upon a time, there lived a little fish named Jose. Jose loved "jawbreakers". For those of you unfamiliar with jawbreakers, they are large round and hard candy that disolves as you suck on them.

Jose's mother knew of his love for jawbreakers and warned him of the dangers of eating jawbreakers that had strings attached to them. "Jose", she said one day "I warn you of the dangers of eating jawbreakers that have strings attached to them."

"Silly mother", thought Jose "She doesn't know what she's talking about. What's so bad about eating jawbreakers that have strings attached to them? It's just a little string."

So one day, little Jose was skipping school (get it? School? Like, school of fish?) and swimming in waters he knew he shouldn't be in. Little Jose's mother had warned him of these waters many times. "Jose, I warn you of those waters. Those waters are where bad things happen to good fish."

"Silly mother", thought Jose, "She doesn't know what she's talking about. These waters seem perfectly fine."

Just then, Jose saw something a little off in the distance. Curiously, Jose swam closer and closer so that he could see what the object was. It was...it was...A JAWBREAKER. "I love jawbreakers!", shouted Jose. "But what's that?", thought Jose. There at the top was string attached, which rose up and up and up until Jose could not see it any longer.

"Hmm...", thought Jose. His mother's voice played in the back of his mind, "I warn you of the dangers of eating jawbreakers that have strings attached to them." "What does she know? I'm almost six years old. I can take care of myself. Besides, I love jawbreakers sooooooooooooo much."

So slowly Jose crept up to the jawbreaker. Jose stuck his tongue out and just slightly touched the jawbreaker. Then a little larger lick, then he gulped the whole thing into his mouth. "IT'S DELICIOUS!!!" It was the best tasting jawbreaker Jose had ever had. Never mind the discomfort of having a string sticking out of his mouth, the flavor was amazing.

Jose sucked and sucked on the jawbreaker. It was a taste sensation in ball form. After a while, Jose started to notice a little sore spot in his mouth. "Never mind", he thought, "This jawbreaker is so good that I won't worry about a little sore spot."

Over time, the sore spot got sorer and sorer. "Well, I'll just suck on it a little while longer. It tastes sooooooo good." Pretty soon, the soreness became unbearable. "I need to spit this out, my mouth hurts so bad." So Jose tried to spit the jawbreaker out, but it would not come out. No matter how he tried, he could not get the jawbreaker out of his mouth.

Jose tried to see what the matter was. "What's that?", cried Jose. He saw that as the jawbreaker melted away, that it revealed that the string was attached to something shiny. Jose could barely make it out, but then he realized. "IT'S A HOOK!"

And with that, the string began to tighten and pull Jose up and up and up. Jose could not break free from the trap. Up and up and up he went...

That was the end of Jose the fish. That little naughty fish that wouldn't listen to his wise mother.
So, little children, remember to never touch anything with strings that are attached, for you may just find yourself hooked. Just like little Jose the fish.

The end.

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Dookie the butterfly...

Once upon a time, there was a butterfly named Dookie. Dookie was the ugliest butterfly in the land. Butterflies came from far and wide to see how ugly Dookie was. This made Dookie very sad. Ironically, however, Dookie was in fact the most beautiful butterfly, but she was the victim of a very elaborate social conspiracy to see if they could make her think that she was ugly.

Dookie led a very sad life, until one day, a handsome prince butterfly named Chauncy flew into town. With one look, he fell madly in love with Dookie.

"Dookie, I must have you!", he exclaimed. "Why?", querried Dookie. "Because you are the most beautiful butterfly in all the land. I know because I work for a travel agency and I have been to all the parts of the land. I mean it when I say that you are the most beautiful. I mean really, there are some really ugly butterflies out there." Chauncy replied.

With that, all of Dookie's social paradigms shattered into tiny glistening shards. Dookie of course married Prince Chauncy and lived happily ever after, knowing that she was beautiful.

The end.

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A frog named Joe...

Once upon a time, there was a frog named Joe. Joe was an unusual frog in that he thought he was a snake. Joe would slide around on his big fat belly and try to swallow his friends whole. "What are you doing?" Joe's friends would often say. "Ib twybing tu eet yuu", Joe would say with a mouth full of frogs legs, "Ab-f-tu awwl I am uh sdnake".

At first, Joe's actions were an amusing oddity. Eventually though, people began to become a little perturbed. "We do not like that Joe often times tries to eat us", they would complain. "It's pretty disgusting and we get slobber all over us. Besides, everyone knows that it's physically impossible for Joe to eat us due to the mouth to body ratio."

One day, Joe went to visit the snakes in their snake den. As most of you know, this was most likely one of the worst ideas Joe ever had as frogs are the main diet of snakes. Joe did not know this though and thought that it would be nice to acquaint himself with some more people like himself.

Joe slithered his big fat belly down into the hole of the snakes, who were cooling themselves in the afternoon sun. This was quite a suprise to the snakes and they faced a moral dilema, "Should we eat him now, or should we eat him later?", they asked. Some thought that it was such an anomily that they felt it would make for a good laugh to keep Joe around.

The snakes held a hasty council and decided that this was just what they were going to do. They decided to keep Joe around for laughs, and if food became scarce, well, you know the rest.

The end.

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Emma the empathetic electric eel

Once not so long ago, as a matter of fact, it was yesterday; probably in the afternoon sometime between lunch and your favorite television sitcom; there lived a little electric eel named Emma. Emma was no ordinary eel, Emma was an empathetic eel. Emma would shock people then tell them, "I know how you feel". This was of little comfort to her meals of course, but it was something.

The end.

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Arnold the superior chimpanzee

Once there was a chimpanzee named Arnold. Arnold was superior in every way to other chimpanzee's. Scientists came from far and wide to examine Arnold. They all agreed, "Yep, he's superior in every way." Of course, this became a stumbling block to Arnold, as his pride quickly got in the way.

Everywhere Arnold went, he told people how superior he was to them. He would often explain that his biceps were superior to other chimpanzees, as was of course his rugged and masculine chin.

Soon people tired of Arnold's superior bragging and decided to band together and renounce that which they used to think was superior. Soon, everything was turned upside down and that which was once thought of as good, was now thought of as somewhat lame. Chimpanzees everywhere thought themselves quite brilliant in changing everything.

Unfortunately, their happiness soon changed, as they realized that by changing everything around, that they now placed the nerds at the top of the social strata, and as everyone knows, nerds throw perfectly terrible parties. Therefore, the chimpanzees had no more nice parties and get togethers and such.

The end.

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Craw Craw

Once there was a little bird named "Craw Craw". Craw Craw was a small and insignificant little bird, but despite this, he was renown for his love of ice cream. He loved all sorts of ice cream...chocolate ice cream, roast beef ice cream, lady bug ice cream. One day, Craw Craw went to the freezer to get some delicious lady bug ice cream. Upon opening the freezer, he was startled to see that there was no lady bug ice cream!!! "AUGHHHH!!!" stated Craw Craw. Craw Craw immediately rushed to the nearest store and asked the store man, "Do you have any delicious lady bug ice cream?" "No.", said the store man.

Craw Craw ran to every store in the land. "Do you have any delicious lady bug ice cream?", he asked to all the store men and women. "No", is all they replied. Craw Craw was devestated. Craw Craw sulked home in defeat.

At home, mommy Craw Craw asked Craw Craw, "Craw Craw, what seems to be the matter?" "There is no more delicious lady bug ice cream in all the land", he cried. Mommy Craw Craw laughed and laughed, "Silly little Craw Craw, I bought the last carton of delicious lady bug ice cream this afternoon, and here it is!" Craw Craw was overjoyed as he devoured the entire carton of delicious lady bug ice cream.

The end.

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The land of Absurdityville

Once there was a magical land of odd creatures who had absurd adventures. One man held the key to this world and shared it with his children. Every night he would tell of another adventure in this mystical land, and his children would marvel at the wackyness of it all. With each growing night, the children became more and more convinced that the world we now live in is just another part of...Absurdityville.

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