Kevin and Derek's dysfunctional relationship...

Kevin was a lemur. He was no ordinary lemur...well, I guess he was pretty standard as far as lemurs go. Not much to say there.

Anyway, Kevin was the leader of a small pack (herd, pack, flock? Lemurs never were given the 411 on what to call themselves, en masse). Kevin was a fairly compassionate lemur who thought that the group should be more inclusive as a whole. There had been several attempts by other animals to join their little herd, pack, flock (or whatever you may call it) of lemurs, but they were either chased off or given the cold shoulder until they would wander away with all new reasons to get lost in self doubt.

One bright morning, Kevin awoke to find a large dinosaur sleeping in the center of their little community. "This was not there before." thought Kevin. He was almost completely certain of that one point. Two points of which Kevin held feelings of less certainty were, A) What was the dinosaur doing in the middle of their living area, and 2) would his intentions be honorable and not end in the senseless eating of several members of his community. Kevin would not have long to wait for answers to both questions.

As the sunlight bathed over the last tall tree, the rooster crowed. The dinosaur awoke drowsily and sat his head up. He immediately ate the rooster in one enormous bite.

On most days, this type of activity would have bothered Kevin but a little, but Keving you see had very important meetings this week which required him to wake punctually (aided of course by the inherent need for the rooster to crow at the first signs of sunlight).

"Excuse me," beckoned Kevin the lemur to the dinosaur. "Would you please spit that back out? I need it, you see." "I'm sorry" said the dinosaur, "I've already swallowed it past my pyloric sphincter. As I'm sure you're aware, once it's passed that point, there is no coming back." Kevin bristled a little as he regarded the dinosaur's reply.

"Well, sir." Kevin snorted, "This simply will not do. We have rules and such around these parts, which preclude the eating of smaller beasts by larger and more teethier ones." The dinosaur thought about this for a short while, then said, "O.K. I understand. My name is Derek and I shall refrain from eating lesser beasts, as long as you let me live here. I like this spot, and frankly, I am in no hurry to leave." Kevin agreed and slowly over the next few weeks, an awkward friendship began among the two.

Things were going alright for the most part, when Kevin started realizing that his small group, pack (whatever) was getting smaller. "That's odd" thought Kevin. "I wonder the other lemurs have gone on some type of vacation of some sort?" They had in a way gone on a permenant vacation...one that would led through the entrails of Derek the dinosaur and end in a small distasteful pile on the side of the road.

Kevin really became concerned when his girlfriend Phillis and her brother Phillip dissappeared. Phillis for obvious reasons and Phillip because he owed him some money.

Kevin approached Derek one day and said, "Excuse me, Derek. Have you any idea what has happened to the others of this herd, pack, flock or whatever you may call it?" Derek looked at Kevin and smiled a wide toothy smile, "Nope." Kevin gasped as he spied there between Derek's front incisor and his other incisor (he's a dinosaur, that's all he has...it's because he only eats meat. You should know this stuff.) was the lovely tail of his late Phillis.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Kevin stated. "What have you done? You've eaten them haven't you?!?!?" "Well, since you're asking..." Derek said, "Yeah, I did have a few...dozen."

"What am I supposed to think of this? I let you stay here, against the wishes of the others in this herd, pack, flock or whatever you may call it and now you've eaten them!!! Well, that's just GREAT!!!"

"You can calm down, I won't eat any more." Derek reassured Kevin. Just then, Chuck the lemur walked by and Derek snapped him up into his rather large jaws. "HEY! I thought you said you weren't going to eat any more?" Derek just shrugged and looked on sheepishly. William the lemur was riding his new bike past the two and Derek slowly leaned to the side and sucked him into his mouth, "Swoooooop...crunch."

"Alright mister!" Kevin exclaimed. "You're OUTTA HERE!!!" Kevin marched over to Derek and pushed hard against the large dinosaur's torso. He tugged, he shoved, he lifted, but Derek would just not be moved.

"Are you quite finished?" Derek asked. "I'm getting a stomach ache"

This was it. Kevin would have no more. Why had he let this mangy dinosaur into his tribe in the first place? Kevin stood with his paws on his hips and looked Derek straight in the eye. "I trusted you, but that's it! If you eat one more lemur..!"

Children, I will spare you the gruesome details of Kevin's little trip through the dinosaur's not-so-super highway. So remember little ones, just because a person says he's your friend, doesn't mean he isn't eating your family for lunch.

The end.

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Tony's almost famous pizzaria...

Yo here, it's Tony of Tony's almost famous pizzaria. I got like six different pizzas here. I gots the pepperoni. I gots linguisa. I even gots pineapple. I don't know what kind of sissy would order the pineapple pizza, but I'll be sure to let you know when he comes in.

How did I get started you may ask. Well, come over here and sit down. My father...my father he was a good man. My father said, "Little Tony. Make a life for yourself. Do something nice to make the people happy and don't never let nobody get you down an' you'll get someplace in life." I believed him.

"HEY VINNIE! GET THE PAPER TOWELS FOR THE BATHROOM! MRS. VINCHENZO DON'T HAVE NOTHIN' TO WIPE HER HANDS WIT!" Sorry about that. Anyways, I thought to myself, "Little Tony. What could you do to make the people happy?" I didn't know anything. I thought and thought. I thought alot back then. Now, not so much.

So's my mother and my father, they took me one night to a pizzaria. They had like five different pizzas there! I was in heaven. I ate like three different pizza slices wit' my cousins. I knew it then, that this was my calling in life. I was a gonna be a pizza guy.

So sit down and have yourself a nice slice of the pizza. I got some cracked peppers an some shakey-cheese. You want it fast? Forgetaboutit.

Take a load off and enjoy some of Tony's almost famous pizza.

The end.

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The economics of Pan...

Pan sat in the center of the great council. He rolled his eyes as the scribe read off the charges, each worse than the previous. Zeus glowered down on the central podium where Pan sat, sighing.

Pan shot a sideways smile and a quick wink at Daphnis who was looking on shyly. Her face flushed as she raised her shoulders glanced away. He didn't dare blow a kiss, as this would place Zeus completely over the edge. Even Pan knew the boundaries not to cross. This boundary was somewhere in the vicinity of the outskirts of Hades. There would definetly be no fun to be had there.

So Pan listened on half interrestedly, marking the time by the grains of sand dropping through the hour glass.

"PAN!" bellowed Zeus, "WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY REGARDING THE CHARGES RAISED AGAINST YOU?!?" "I'm sorry" quipped Pan, "I couldn't quite hear what you were saying." Even under threat of banishment, Pan couldn't resist a little jab here and there.

"PAN!" Zeus continued, "You have been charged with spreading disease and destruction throughout the land. The cost of your libations and frivolities have been great. What have ye to say?"

Pan sat thoughtfully as the sentence hung like a stale scent once pleasant. After some time, he broke the silence with a question. "How, could this be true?" said he, "I have done nothing but given the world a ROSE, yet you accuse me of sewing thistles."

Zeus uttered a low sigh as his voice calmed. "Pan, your ROSE held bitter thornes. Did you not know that only the top of the rose holds the pleasant scent? The remainder left over time is sharp, painful, and hard to let go. This is the price of your endeavors. For you are not human and do not know the pain, for time is neverending for you, thus the petals never fall."

Zeus continued, "Pan, is there no way that you will understand and cease your sewing?" Pan held no understanding of the weight of his words. He had never felt any of the pain of which Zeus spoke of. His was a life of pleasure and continual enjoyment. He couldn't conceive of the damage of which he was charged.

"Lord Zeus, " Pan responded, "I know nothing of what you speak. My work is the work of love and happiness. There is no pain, nor could there be. What loss you speak of, I know not. Therefore, I will not stop spreading my form of happiness. I will continue till the end of my days, which you know well will never come." With that, Pan leaned back against the rail and smiled triumphantly.

Zeus clapped his mighty hands together signifying that he was ready to pass sentence on the accused. "Pan, there is nothing to do with you, but to banish you. The cost of your freedom is too high." The panoply gasped at the sentenced passed, for many of them had taken part in Pan's escapades and had assured themselves that he would find his freedom in the end.

Zeus raised his arms to quiet the rising din. "Pan, despite this sentence, I do not pass the judgement upon you." Pan cocked a quizzical eyebrow. The gods sat in questioning silence. Zeus continued, "I pass this judgement on all present, BUT you. I know the secret acts of those in this room and I know of their hidden thoughts." The great room slammed to a convicted halt. "I pass this judgement, that you be banished from the hearts and lives of all, but I do not cast you from the land. It is the responsibility of all present to banish you from their lives, so that one day you will hold no sway over them."

Zeus clapped his hands for the final time and left the others with their convictions. One by one, the gods turned to leave, their hearts pierced with guilt. One by one they left, until the columned halls rang hollow.

Pan stood bewildered. What had happened? Was he still in trouble? No Hades?

"Huh." exclaimed Pan. And with that, he went off to find some libation.

The end.

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The ticket in my pocket...

I sat in the chair, completely confused. It had just happened and left my mind reeling. Where had it come from. Where had I been where someone had slipped it into my pocket. It wasn't mine. It couldn't have been. I remember ironing my shirt. It wasn't there when I starched and pressed it. I'm certain of it. I'm pretty sure I ironed it anyway.

So there I sat, completely befuddled by the ticket in my hand. How could this ticket have gotten into my pocket? I didn't go to the movie. I didn't remember it at least. Wouldn't you remember having gone to the theater and sat through and entire feature film? You'd have to. After all, there is no possible way to go to a movie, purchase a ticket with your credit card, buy popcorn and a soda (a consistent tradition in my moviegoing endeavors) and sit in the chair with your feet stuck to the floor, without KNOWING that you ACTUALLY went to the movie.

The evidence was there in my hand. The ticket bearing the movie's title. The time, the date, the rate I'd apparently paid for the opportunity to witness the feature length film. It was maddening!

Could it have been that I ACTUALLY DID go to that movie and just don't remember?!?!? How is that possible? Am I the victim of some jungle disease that rots your brain and makes you forget such things as purchasing movie tickets for movies that you then later attended? Is this some type of governmetal conspiracy, the likes of the ones I'd seen in movies that I actually recall attending?

The movie. The title. That sounds like a really stupid movie. I saw the trailer. It looked totally lame. There were singing ducks. I hate singing ducks. I'm pretty sure that there are no singing ducks in reality and therefore have no desire to see such computer generated fabrications. There is no way that I would waste eight bucks for that movie, or six during a matinee. It wasn't a matinee, so I actually would have wasted the eight! Madness, I say!

I sat. I pondered. I sweat. I had a snack. It was pretty good.

So, here I sit. I ponder. I sweat. I've gotta fix the air conditioning. The snack is gone. It was pretty good. Maybe, I'll never know. Perhaps, I'll never know.

Hey. Dude...this isn't my shirt...

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