"Senator, we have a problem."
"What is it Jenkins?"
"Certain members of the special interest groups are complaining about falling stock."
"Well, which group is it?"
"Let’s see…it’s the “Citizens for American decency and covered heads.”
"What?"
"Yeah…the C.A.D.C.H.' They’re a very powerful lobbying group and paid for approximately 1/3 of your election campaign."
"Holy mackerel. Why haven’t I heard of them before?"
"They’re very secretive, but push a strong agenda."
"What’s their agenda?"
"Wigs."
"Wigs?"
"Yes. More specifically, that no American go around without hair of some sort covering their heads."
"Why that’s preposterous!"
"I know. They’re especially hostile to bald men."
"What is this world coming to? A man, or woman should be allowed to be bald if they want to.After all, this is America!"
"I agree, but unfortunately they don’t. In fact, the CADCH picked your campaign because you had fuller hair than your opponent."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Not my stance on fashionable clothing for the indigent?"
"Nope."
"Not my sweeping program, “No undocumented immigrants pets left behind?”
"Uh uh."
"Unbelievable."
"I know sir, but we have to do something fast, or else they are going to pull their funding from your next campaign."
"But my opponent is BALD!"
"I understand, but they said they are willing to provide him a lifetime’s supply of Rogaine, if necessary."
"I don’t believe this."
"Neither do I."
The Senator thought for a moment. At last, a look of inspiration came over his face. "O.K. Here’s what we do. We need to think of outsourcing the CADCH’s particular resources."
"Outsourcing...wigs?"
"Absolutely, man! We’re in crisis mode! No idea is off limits!"
"Sooooo, what do you suggest we do?”
"We need to look to other species."
"Species?"
"Species."
"Umm, well what species were you thinking about?"
"Vultures."
"Vultures?"
"Yes. Vultures. They’re the PERFECT candidate! Completely bald. It’s embarrassing. We need to pass strong legislation requiring the covering of Vultures heads."
"I’m not sure the tax payers are going to approve of this."
"Confound the tax payers! They have no idea what we spend their money on. You remember the new Jenny Craig elephant and hippo weight loss bill of ‘98?"
"Uhh, yeah."
"Not a peep. And the giant sea turtle nuclear missile launching harnesses initiative?"
"You mean, “Strategic Tortoise Armored Response Wars?”
"Yep. Not a word. The tax payers don’t want to know WHAT we spend their money on, as long as they have Oprah and T.V. dinners."
"Hmmm…well sir, I’ve been crunching some numbers, and this project appears to have a potential cost in the billions."
"Hang it man. These vultures are obscene! Prancing around without a lick of covering over their naked little heads. It’s immoral."
"You know why the bald eagle is the national bird?"
"Beeeeecause it’s majestic and builds its nests in the highest trees and…stuff?"
"No man! It’s the national bird, because of its head! Just look at that full head of feathers. No embarrassing head nudity there."
"Umm. O.K. I’ll get the paperwork ready and notify Congress.”
…and so it was. The bill became known as the “National Aviary anti-nudity law” of 2010, and the Senator went on to four more years of successful serving the people.
The end.
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