Sancho the courageous chihuahua...

Once many years ago, there lived a colony of tree dwelling chihuahuas. These were no ordinary chihuahuas, they were the legendary "lost chihuahuas of Tikal". The legendary chihuahuas of Tikal were renown for their bravery and tree climbing skills. This was not a particularly useful skill for a small dog, but it was certainly unique.

Among the chihuahuas of Tikal, there was none braver than Sancho. Sancho's true name of course was "Sancho los Gigante Pero en del mundo". Sancho was cool with just calling him, "Sancho."

One day, the nearby village of Moco Gigante fell under attack from the ruthless desperado, "El Frank-o." El Frank-o was the most cruel bandito this side of everything and the people knew it. This would have been of little concern to Sancho, except that the people of Moco Gigante gave him little treats consisting of pig ears and little smokies brand weiners. Aah, little smokies brand weiners...get some today.

Anyway, Sancho was quite put out, due to the lack of snacks provided by the village peasants. Sancho thought, "Man, I could go for some little smokies brand weiners. They can be found at any of your neighborhood's finer stores. Everyone should have some delicious little mokies brand weiners...TODAY!"

Anyway, again, Sancho decided that this little smokies brand weiner embargo had come to an end. He was going to deal with this El Frank-o and put an end to his tyrany.

So Sancho crept into the village late one night. He climbed a small oak tree and peered over the town. "Where is he? Where is this...El Frank-o?" Sancho watched and waited. Eventually, he saw a stumbling figure stagger out of the local saloon. "I got all the little smokies brand weiners in the land! I am truely the baddest bandito in all the land!"

Sancho knew his target instantly. He crouched on a low hanging branch and waited. The stumbling figure wandered closer and closer. Sancho's heart steeled in anticipation for his assault. As El Frank-o walked under the branch, Sancho lept onto his head. El Frank-o yelled, "Aye chihuahua! Es una chihuahua con bravado en los corazon! No es megusta!"

Sancho nipped at El Frank-o's ears and nose. Tiny bite marks scarred El Frank-o's once handsome visage. "No mas, no mas!", complained the criminal.

With that Sancho hopped to the ground. "Do you promise to leave this village and all the little smokies brand weiners behind, and to never return?"

El Frank-o thought for a moment as he looked down, considering Sancho's offer. With a, "Vaminos!", El Frank-o punted Sancho out of sight.

The end.

The moral: Little chihuahuas should not try to fight crime.

The other moral: Wouldn't it be great if we had some little smokies brand weiners...TONIGHT?

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Chocolate rabbit in the land of giant pink people...

There once was a chocolate rabbit named Cecil. Cecil was a brilliant scientist in the land of chocolate rabbits. He once invented a creme that would prevent melting in the hot summer months. This was of course a boon to all chocolate rabbits everywhere, and they even tried to elect him king of all chocolate rabbits. Cecil declined of course, as he is foremost a scientist, not a politician.

One fateful day, Cecil completed a year long project. It was a space / time continuum transport. "I've completed it!" announced Cecil. "It is complete, and there is no part of which is not complete.", he reiterated.

Cecil strapped on a little chocolate helmet and entered the machine. With the push of a chocolate button, and the pull of a little chocolate lever, Cecil was off. A brilliant flash announced Cecil's departure. Every chocolate rabbit was overjoyed at Cecil's departure. All that is, except of course, Roger the bill collector. It seems that chocolate rabbit science is an occupation that will run up a rather large bill.

"Blam-zippo!!!", the chocolate space / time continuum machine announced, as it entered the new dimension. "Ahh", thought Cecil. "I wonder what wonderful land I've arrived at?" Cecil opened the transport's door and peered out into a bleak and vast landscape. "What a bleak and vast landscape this is."

Cecil hopped out to examine his new discovery. "I claim this land for chocolate rabbits everywhere (except that is, unless there are other creatures much more fierce than us, and would pose a danger to the survival to our species, and in that case, they can keep it).

Just then, Cecil heard a wretched yell. "What could that be?" thought Cecil. Cecil hopped over a hill and saw a terrible sight. There in a valley were several overweight and pink things chasing about after chocolate animals of all sorts. There were chocolate Zebras, chocolate Hippopotami, and chocolate Wilda beasts. They were running for their lives from the large pink things. Every now and again, one of the giant pink things would catch and devour a poor chocolate beast.

Cecil was horrified. What kind of sick place was this, where the dominant species would catch and devour chocolate animals? Poor Cecil did not know, despite his tremendous aptitude for science and the learning arts, that he had inadvertently transported himself to the land of humans...at EASTER!!!

Cecil nearly lost tossed his chocolate chips at the terrifying sight before his eyes. As Cecil the chocolate rabbit scientist was attempting to compose himself, a large pink human fixed his gaze on Cecil's chocolaty goodness. "Mommy, I want the chocolate bunny!" Cecil's chocolate stomach sank as he realized the dire predicament he was in. "I've got to get away!", Cecil exclaimed.

Hopping and dodging the little fat chocolate-stained fingers, Cecil bound towards his chocolate ship. Closer and closer the overweight pink giant came. Faster and faster, Cecil hopped. Cecil could hear the heavy panting from the giant pinkling.

Cecil's head began to get dizzy as he began to worry that he might become the third course in this animal's chocolate smorgasboard. Cecil ran under a low lying bush, and the pink monster's leg became tangled in the branches. Down and down the creature fell, at last coming to a crash a mere inches from Cecil's scurrying frame. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!", cried the foul fleshy fiend.

Cecil made it to the transport and slammed the door. A quick switch and press of chocolate mechanisms and, "Wham-blooie!", Cecil was off.

Safely at home, Cecil gave up his life as a scientist, for it had almost cost him his life. Cecil settled in a small chocolate town, called Hershey. There he married a beautiful Dutch white chocolate rabbit and taught gym class at the local YRCA (figure that one out). He lived happily ever after and had a very sweet life.

The end.

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Thomas the people...

Once upon a time, there lived a person. A human person. This human person had a name. This human person's name was Thomas.

Now Thomas was a small person who did not like a good many things. One of the good many things that Thomas did not like were animals. Yes, you heard it right...animals. No one knows for sure why Thomas did not like animals, but one thing is for sure. He did not like them, and that was final.

One day, Thomas' father tricked him into going into the forest. Thomas' father thought (quite correctly I might add) that Thomas needed to get out of the house more and stop playing his X-station video games as much. Unfortunately for Thomas' father, this was the worst possible thing for a small pink defenseless thing such as Thomas the human to do. One requires practice for such adventures. A warm up of sorts.

But thus it was, as Thomas walked into the forest, his father had no idea of what awaited him. For Thomas walked into the forest under the guise that there was a video game convention in the ring of trees. The ring of trees was a beautiful clearing wherein Thomas' father believed Thomas would succumb to the beauties of nature and forever vanquish X-station from his life. Quite unknowingly, Thomas' father sent him into the heart of the forest on the most magical night of all. This was the night where humans were granted the ability to understand the myriad languages of the forest creatures.

So inward Thomas went, deeper and deeper into the forest. Eventually he reached the ring of trees that his father spoke of. "What the heck?" asked Thomas. "Where are all the video games and the convention I was promised?" Thomas was very angry. "I am very angry." Thomas confirmed. "I was tricked into going into this forest and now I am here and there is nothing but a bunch of stinking animals of various varieties, each hated more and more in ascending order."

"Squirrels, I dislike you. Racoons, I have no regard for you whatsoever. Chinchillas, you know how I feel about you and I couldn't care in the least. Deer, bah. Bears and Donkeys, you can take a flying leap as you subsequently pound sand, if that's at all possible." So there sat Thomas glowering at all manner of now insulted animals. Of course all animals can understand humans, but up and until the next few paragraphs, Thomas was completely oblivous to this fact and to the fact that tonight he would be able to hear just how much they thought of him.

"What's this", sneered the bear. "Something small and pink. My primary diet is the salmon which is also pink. Perhaps I might make a change of menu for one night." "He's a people." answered the racoon. "They live in the square trees outside of the forest."

Thomas' eyes opened wide in dismay. "Did you two just speak?" "Of course", replied the bear. "All animals speak, it's just that you humans are unwilling to listen." Thomas screamed and tried to run out of the circle. Unfortunately for him, such a large group of forest dwelling animals had gathered that he was unable to break out of the ring. "This is not possible." shouted Thomas, "Animals are dumb and cannot talk", which we all know is redundant.

Young Thomas knelt down and cried. He could not believe what was happening. What was he to do? "P-pppp-pp-please, don't eat me." begged Thomas. "Why not, you little twerp?" asked the deer. "After all, you have done nothing but be rude to us and hurt many of our feelings." Now the comments of the deer on this subject was largely irrevelent as they are completely vegetarian. That is all but Brian the meat eating deer...which is an entirely separate story.

Despite this point, Thomas had no idea the eating habits of any of the animals now watching him. Thomas often refused to watch any educational programing, especially the nature channel. Thomas cried and cried.

Eventually, the bear got really tired of hearing Thomas' whining and ate him.

The end.

The moral: "Bears have very little tolerance for whining."

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Francis the nonconforming Norwegian Lemming...

Once upon a time, there lived a large colony of lemmings. If you know anything about lemmings, you know that they are small furry Norwegian rodents who frequently run enmasse over the edge of cliffs to their collective doom. This may seem like a really dumb idea to us, but to them it is completely logical. All of them that is, except for Francis.

Long ago when Francis was just a little lemming, his mother would tell him of how wonderful that one day Francis could join the rest of the colony and jump off of the nearby cliff. This puzzled Francis who asked his mother, "Mother, doesn't that seem sort of counter productive to be jumping off cliffs, if we as a species are going to grow and become masters of our domain?" "Don't be silly, Francis. We lemmings run off cliffs, and that's what we've always done, and that is what we will always do."

Francis did not do well in school. From the first day of "jump school", Francis was branded a nonconformist. Jump school was of course, a series of higher and higher jumping exercises. First off of a curb, then from a bed, then from the top of a building. These jumps were padded with pillows and such things so no to ruin the "big one".

When Francis asked for an explaination as to why his kind hurled themselves to their demise, his teacher would berate him in front of the other students. "Everyone look at Francis." the teacher announced, "Francis does not want to jump off of a cliff. I therefore am branding him a nonconformist." Don't worry, there was no actual branding, just a sharp pinch on the arm for his display of "naughtyness". Eventually Francis' resolve was crushed, and he gave in to societal pressures.

So one day, not just any day, but "THE DAY", came. Tension and nervous excitement filled the colony. Lunches were packed, and lemmings dressed in their finest furs. The mayor announced to the group that it was time for the big jump, and began to scurry towards the big cliff.

The colony followed, eager to soar through the air. Closer and closer they came, and little Francis' heart pounded in his little furry chest. Closer and closer. He could hear the gleeful yells as the front of the pack began to go over. "Horray's", and "This is better than they said it would be's." resounded through the crowd.

Francis' heart sunk as he saw the edge rushing up at him. Would he jump? WOULD HE JUMP?

HE JUMPED!!!

As Francis fell over the edge, he reached into his fur coat and pulled a string hidden inside. Suddenly a large hang glider emerged from his back. With a large whoosh, Francis was saved and soared off to safety.

Francis never returned to the colony (not that there was much of a colony left). He became very successful and went on to start a line of designer fur lined hang gliders, for nonconformist lemmings such as himself.

The end.

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Jose the fish...

Once upon a time, there lived a little fish named Jose. Jose loved "jawbreakers". For those of you unfamiliar with jawbreakers, they are large round and hard candy that disolves as you suck on them.

Jose's mother knew of his love for jawbreakers and warned him of the dangers of eating jawbreakers that had strings attached to them. "Jose", she said one day "I warn you of the dangers of eating jawbreakers that have strings attached to them."

"Silly mother", thought Jose "She doesn't know what she's talking about. What's so bad about eating jawbreakers that have strings attached to them? It's just a little string."

So one day, little Jose was skipping school (get it? School? Like, school of fish?) and swimming in waters he knew he shouldn't be in. Little Jose's mother had warned him of these waters many times. "Jose, I warn you of those waters. Those waters are where bad things happen to good fish."

"Silly mother", thought Jose, "She doesn't know what she's talking about. These waters seem perfectly fine."

Just then, Jose saw something a little off in the distance. Curiously, Jose swam closer and closer so that he could see what the object was. It was...it was...A JAWBREAKER. "I love jawbreakers!", shouted Jose. "But what's that?", thought Jose. There at the top was string attached, which rose up and up and up until Jose could not see it any longer.

"Hmm...", thought Jose. His mother's voice played in the back of his mind, "I warn you of the dangers of eating jawbreakers that have strings attached to them." "What does she know? I'm almost six years old. I can take care of myself. Besides, I love jawbreakers sooooooooooooo much."

So slowly Jose crept up to the jawbreaker. Jose stuck his tongue out and just slightly touched the jawbreaker. Then a little larger lick, then he gulped the whole thing into his mouth. "IT'S DELICIOUS!!!" It was the best tasting jawbreaker Jose had ever had. Never mind the discomfort of having a string sticking out of his mouth, the flavor was amazing.

Jose sucked and sucked on the jawbreaker. It was a taste sensation in ball form. After a while, Jose started to notice a little sore spot in his mouth. "Never mind", he thought, "This jawbreaker is so good that I won't worry about a little sore spot."

Over time, the sore spot got sorer and sorer. "Well, I'll just suck on it a little while longer. It tastes sooooooo good." Pretty soon, the soreness became unbearable. "I need to spit this out, my mouth hurts so bad." So Jose tried to spit the jawbreaker out, but it would not come out. No matter how he tried, he could not get the jawbreaker out of his mouth.

Jose tried to see what the matter was. "What's that?", cried Jose. He saw that as the jawbreaker melted away, that it revealed that the string was attached to something shiny. Jose could barely make it out, but then he realized. "IT'S A HOOK!"

And with that, the string began to tighten and pull Jose up and up and up. Jose could not break free from the trap. Up and up and up he went...

That was the end of Jose the fish. That little naughty fish that wouldn't listen to his wise mother.
So, little children, remember to never touch anything with strings that are attached, for you may just find yourself hooked. Just like little Jose the fish.

The end.

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Dookie the butterfly...

Once upon a time, there was a butterfly named Dookie. Dookie was the ugliest butterfly in the land. Butterflies came from far and wide to see how ugly Dookie was. This made Dookie very sad. Ironically, however, Dookie was in fact the most beautiful butterfly, but she was the victim of a very elaborate social conspiracy to see if they could make her think that she was ugly.

Dookie led a very sad life, until one day, a handsome prince butterfly named Chauncy flew into town. With one look, he fell madly in love with Dookie.

"Dookie, I must have you!", he exclaimed. "Why?", querried Dookie. "Because you are the most beautiful butterfly in all the land. I know because I work for a travel agency and I have been to all the parts of the land. I mean it when I say that you are the most beautiful. I mean really, there are some really ugly butterflies out there." Chauncy replied.

With that, all of Dookie's social paradigms shattered into tiny glistening shards. Dookie of course married Prince Chauncy and lived happily ever after, knowing that she was beautiful.

The end.

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A frog named Joe...

Once upon a time, there was a frog named Joe. Joe was an unusual frog in that he thought he was a snake. Joe would slide around on his big fat belly and try to swallow his friends whole. "What are you doing?" Joe's friends would often say. "Ib twybing tu eet yuu", Joe would say with a mouth full of frogs legs, "Ab-f-tu awwl I am uh sdnake".

At first, Joe's actions were an amusing oddity. Eventually though, people began to become a little perturbed. "We do not like that Joe often times tries to eat us", they would complain. "It's pretty disgusting and we get slobber all over us. Besides, everyone knows that it's physically impossible for Joe to eat us due to the mouth to body ratio."

One day, Joe went to visit the snakes in their snake den. As most of you know, this was most likely one of the worst ideas Joe ever had as frogs are the main diet of snakes. Joe did not know this though and thought that it would be nice to acquaint himself with some more people like himself.

Joe slithered his big fat belly down into the hole of the snakes, who were cooling themselves in the afternoon sun. This was quite a suprise to the snakes and they faced a moral dilema, "Should we eat him now, or should we eat him later?", they asked. Some thought that it was such an anomily that they felt it would make for a good laugh to keep Joe around.

The snakes held a hasty council and decided that this was just what they were going to do. They decided to keep Joe around for laughs, and if food became scarce, well, you know the rest.

The end.

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Emma the empathetic electric eel

Once not so long ago, as a matter of fact, it was yesterday; probably in the afternoon sometime between lunch and your favorite television sitcom; there lived a little electric eel named Emma. Emma was no ordinary eel, Emma was an empathetic eel. Emma would shock people then tell them, "I know how you feel". This was of little comfort to her meals of course, but it was something.

The end.

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Arnold the superior chimpanzee

Once there was a chimpanzee named Arnold. Arnold was superior in every way to other chimpanzee's. Scientists came from far and wide to examine Arnold. They all agreed, "Yep, he's superior in every way." Of course, this became a stumbling block to Arnold, as his pride quickly got in the way.

Everywhere Arnold went, he told people how superior he was to them. He would often explain that his biceps were superior to other chimpanzees, as was of course his rugged and masculine chin.

Soon people tired of Arnold's superior bragging and decided to band together and renounce that which they used to think was superior. Soon, everything was turned upside down and that which was once thought of as good, was now thought of as somewhat lame. Chimpanzees everywhere thought themselves quite brilliant in changing everything.

Unfortunately, their happiness soon changed, as they realized that by changing everything around, that they now placed the nerds at the top of the social strata, and as everyone knows, nerds throw perfectly terrible parties. Therefore, the chimpanzees had no more nice parties and get togethers and such.

The end.

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Craw Craw

Once there was a little bird named "Craw Craw". Craw Craw was a small and insignificant little bird, but despite this, he was renown for his love of ice cream. He loved all sorts of ice cream...chocolate ice cream, roast beef ice cream, lady bug ice cream. One day, Craw Craw went to the freezer to get some delicious lady bug ice cream. Upon opening the freezer, he was startled to see that there was no lady bug ice cream!!! "AUGHHHH!!!" stated Craw Craw. Craw Craw immediately rushed to the nearest store and asked the store man, "Do you have any delicious lady bug ice cream?" "No.", said the store man.

Craw Craw ran to every store in the land. "Do you have any delicious lady bug ice cream?", he asked to all the store men and women. "No", is all they replied. Craw Craw was devestated. Craw Craw sulked home in defeat.

At home, mommy Craw Craw asked Craw Craw, "Craw Craw, what seems to be the matter?" "There is no more delicious lady bug ice cream in all the land", he cried. Mommy Craw Craw laughed and laughed, "Silly little Craw Craw, I bought the last carton of delicious lady bug ice cream this afternoon, and here it is!" Craw Craw was overjoyed as he devoured the entire carton of delicious lady bug ice cream.

The end.

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The land of Absurdityville

Once there was a magical land of odd creatures who had absurd adventures. One man held the key to this world and shared it with his children. Every night he would tell of another adventure in this mystical land, and his children would marvel at the wackyness of it all. With each growing night, the children became more and more convinced that the world we now live in is just another part of...Absurdityville.

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