Thomas the people...

Once upon a time, there lived a person. A human person. This human person had a name. This human person's name was Thomas.

Now Thomas was a small person who did not like a good many things. One of the good many things that Thomas did not like were animals. Yes, you heard it right...animals. No one knows for sure why Thomas did not like animals, but one thing is for sure. He did not like them, and that was final.

One day, Thomas' father tricked him into going into the forest. Thomas' father thought (quite correctly I might add) that Thomas needed to get out of the house more and stop playing his X-station video games as much. Unfortunately for Thomas' father, this was the worst possible thing for a small pink defenseless thing such as Thomas the human to do. One requires practice for such adventures. A warm up of sorts.

But thus it was, as Thomas walked into the forest, his father had no idea of what awaited him. For Thomas walked into the forest under the guise that there was a video game convention in the ring of trees. The ring of trees was a beautiful clearing wherein Thomas' father believed Thomas would succumb to the beauties of nature and forever vanquish X-station from his life. Quite unknowingly, Thomas' father sent him into the heart of the forest on the most magical night of all. This was the night where humans were granted the ability to understand the myriad languages of the forest creatures.

So inward Thomas went, deeper and deeper into the forest. Eventually he reached the ring of trees that his father spoke of. "What the heck?" asked Thomas. "Where are all the video games and the convention I was promised?" Thomas was very angry. "I am very angry." Thomas confirmed. "I was tricked into going into this forest and now I am here and there is nothing but a bunch of stinking animals of various varieties, each hated more and more in ascending order."

"Squirrels, I dislike you. Racoons, I have no regard for you whatsoever. Chinchillas, you know how I feel about you and I couldn't care in the least. Deer, bah. Bears and Donkeys, you can take a flying leap as you subsequently pound sand, if that's at all possible." So there sat Thomas glowering at all manner of now insulted animals. Of course all animals can understand humans, but up and until the next few paragraphs, Thomas was completely oblivous to this fact and to the fact that tonight he would be able to hear just how much they thought of him.

"What's this", sneered the bear. "Something small and pink. My primary diet is the salmon which is also pink. Perhaps I might make a change of menu for one night." "He's a people." answered the racoon. "They live in the square trees outside of the forest."

Thomas' eyes opened wide in dismay. "Did you two just speak?" "Of course", replied the bear. "All animals speak, it's just that you humans are unwilling to listen." Thomas screamed and tried to run out of the circle. Unfortunately for him, such a large group of forest dwelling animals had gathered that he was unable to break out of the ring. "This is not possible." shouted Thomas, "Animals are dumb and cannot talk", which we all know is redundant.

Young Thomas knelt down and cried. He could not believe what was happening. What was he to do? "P-pppp-pp-please, don't eat me." begged Thomas. "Why not, you little twerp?" asked the deer. "After all, you have done nothing but be rude to us and hurt many of our feelings." Now the comments of the deer on this subject was largely irrevelent as they are completely vegetarian. That is all but Brian the meat eating deer...which is an entirely separate story.

Despite this point, Thomas had no idea the eating habits of any of the animals now watching him. Thomas often refused to watch any educational programing, especially the nature channel. Thomas cried and cried.

Eventually, the bear got really tired of hearing Thomas' whining and ate him.

The end.

The moral: "Bears have very little tolerance for whining."