The origin of speeces...Tuna fish

In continuing with our earlier tales, the following is an excerpt from Alvin Darwin's book, "The origin of speeces."  As stated previously, Alvin Darwin was Charles Darwin's less intelligent brother who wrote a rip-off series of books.  The series included, the original, "The origin of speeces", the second, "Stuff you didn't know about stuff", and the third and largely acclaimed book, "Which animals are involved in the plan to take over the world."  This last book was taken from Alvin's misreading of, "Animal farm."

The following is an excerpt from the section titled, "Tuna fish."  Tuna fish are one of the most incredibly odd and useful off all animals in the animal kingdom.  It is a rare sight to see the lure and capture of these oceanic wonders.  A distant relative of the chicken family, the tuna is a long cylindrical fish which is easily duped into capture.  The common method of capture is to hold some candy at the end of a long metal cylindrical tube, into which the tuna will swim. Once the fish has wedged himself into the tube, the fish person (also known as the fish man, and the fish catching guy) chops the head and tail off.  This is a bloody sight and once caused the author to toss his cookies.  Oreo's to be exact.  

The metal tube is then sawed into smaller tins, the ends of which are capped, then sold at local markets.  A modern technique is to lure the tuna fish into a small foil package.  Once the fish is sealed into the foil package, the fish person mashes the foil package with a mallet.  These foil packages are sold with smaller packages of mayonaise and relish, with crackers.  Delicious.

It is unknown why the tuna fish developed into such a utilitarian creature, but many sandwiches and casseroles have convinced me to just be greatful for the bountiful harvest, which is the tuna fish.   The chicken from the sea.  

Alvin's brilliant findings inspire one to great thoughts, even today.  Let's eat.  

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Captain Magnum...

In a major metropolis, there lived a hero. Not just any hero, but a pretty good hero. His name? Captain Magnum. Captain Magnum had magnificent mental mind powers the likes the world had never seen (except once in a movie about mind powers, but that was totally made up). Captain Magnum scoured the back alleys and boroughs for crime. Not just any crime, but really bad crime. Criminal crime. Really bad criminal crime.

Captain Magnum's secret identity was that of Bruce Mingo, lowly account temp from Nowheresville Kentucky. Yeah, you heard it. Kentucky. I didn't even know that place still existed.

Unfortunately for the fair citizens of this metropolis, Captain Magnum was really just Bruce Mingo. You see, Mr. Mingo contracted a rare brain inflamation disease while on vacation in the Bahamas. He'd won the trip on a radio contest. If he wasn't so crazy, he would have wished he would have changed the channel that fateful day.

Bruce Mingo only thought that he was Captain Magnum. Bruce Mingo was after all crazy. I mean, really crazy. Like the kind of crazy that should be locked away in some scary looking castle, slash, mental instution where freaky brain experiments are conducted on his...um...brain.

In the wee hours of the morning, between midnight and like around four thirty, Bruce (a.k.a. Captain Magnum) would wander through the alleyways fighting what he perceived as criminal activity. Really bad criminal activity. The thing is, is that the activity was just like regular everyday activity. Things like picking up the paper, and walking the dog and stuff like that.

Bruce Mingo would lurk in the shadows and when he saw such activity, he would jump out and use his mind powers to defeat the "criminals." This usually consisted of placing his index and middle fingers on his temples and squinting profusely at his intended victims. In Bruce's mind, he was forming and shooting a mind ray into his opponent's mind, causing an immediate explosion of millions of synapses (synapsis? sinapseese? I'm not really sure). In reality, he was just kind of annoying people. Once he did manage to cause a severe, but not lethal case of irritatation in a mail delivery person.

There is no end to this story. Bruce Mingo (a.k.a. Captain Magnum) still wanders the streets of the metropolis. Perhaps he's keeping the streets of your town safe from all the as-of-yet-unannoyed paper picker uppers, and dog walkers, and mail delivery persons. Perhaps you'll see him some early morning and know to not only fear, but respect...Captain Magnum.

The end...or is it?

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Wayne the excessively hygenic toilet plunger...

Once there was a little toilet plunger named Wayne. Wayne liked everything neat and tidy. Wayne was known in school for his exquisitely clean desk and he always had neat handwriting. Wayne did not like messes or clutter in any shape or form. Wayne washed his hands seventeen times a day. This was somewhat extreme but he was after all, excessively hygenic.

On the day of graduation, Wayne was excited to find out what his new career was going to be. "Perhaps I'll be a NASA rocket engineer" he thought. "Or maybe, just maybe...I'll even work for...Mr. Clean." Mr. Clean is after all the most famous of all cleaning personnel and the idol of every excessively hygenic person, or in this case a small toilet plunger.

Wayne reported to his first day of work. "Plu...m...ber" He read. "I wonder what sort of exciting job that is?" he thought. He entered the big room and looked around wide eyed. There in front of him were several other tools, about whose exciting jobs he could only speculate.

Wayne read over his job description, which came as quite a shock. "You...want me to...what?" He asked in disbelief. "There's no way...aaaaaugh!" With a sweeping motion, the large plumber picked Wayne up and began to plunge a nearby toilet. "Bubble, bubble, bubble...AAAAAHHH, STOP...bubble, bubble, bubble...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" Wayne screamed as he gasped for breath. "Bubble, bubble, bubble...GERMS EVERYWHERE! ...bubble, bubble...FOR THE LOVE OF! ...bubble, bubble, bubble...WHY IN THE NAME OF! ...bubble, gasp...I THINK I'M GOING TO! ..."

And so it went. The plunging, the unclogging...THE HORROR! Little Wayne never had a chance. He eventually passed out and never regained consciousness. Seeing Wayne's expiration, the plunger smiled a wicked smile and placed him on the rack marked, "FOR SALE".

So next time you walk down the plunger aisle at your local hardware store, pour a little Drain-o out on the curb in remembrance of little Wayne.

The end.

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Bacon...

There are several forces in the universe which move both man and mountain. The first and foremost is love. Love can make a grown man cry. The second of course, is bacon. Bacon. Just say the word and powerful emotions surge forth. Love and bacon. The two are almost too powerful to use in the same sentence. Bacon and love. Only slightly less powerful than saying it the other way around. Love with bacon. What are you talking about. What's wrong with you people. Bacon with love. A nice gift to someone who is really lucky. Luckier than me, as I currently have no bacon. So therefore, I am left with love. Love for bacon. Love of bacon. Man, I'd really love some bacon right now.

Bacon.

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