Willy's last stand...

There was once a little boy named Willy. Willy was a small and timid boy who did not like to draw attention to himself in any way. Willy was often overlooked when selecting teams for dodge ball and other playground games. Willy did not like this, but refused to bring it up.

Once, both teams were completely picked and ran off to play "Red Rover." Willy stood there alone wondering why nobody picked him for the team. He did not particularly like "Red Rover", and would much rather played another game, but he would have liked to have been picked none the less.

Willy enjoyed drawing and art was by far his best subject. Willy did not however like math. Math was his "white whale" so to speak. Worse yet, his teacher, Mrs. Bottom DID like math very much and made the class spend an inordinate amount of time on the subject. As if this was not bad enough, Mrs. Bottom enjoyed letting the other students know how poorly little Willy did in math.

One day, Mrs. Bottom called little Willy up in front of the entire class. "Willy, you are the worst at math in the ENTIRE CLASS!" The entire class erupted into laughter. Willy sulked and walked quietly back past the entire class to his chair. "Alright" he thought "If you say so, I AM THE WORST AT MATH IN THE ENTIRE CLASS!"

From that time on, Willy chose to draw, rather than to do the math work. He did not care about math anymore because Mrs. Bottom had declared him the worst. "Why should I try, if the teacher says that I am no good at math?" he declared to himself.

So it went, for several weeks. Willy refused to do math, and Mrs. Bottom continued pouring more fuel on the fire. Division, multiplication, fractions...deeper and deeper his frustration grew.

Finally, one day, Willy had enough. He was not willing to feel badly about his math challenges any more. He devised a plan to teach the teacher a lesson. It would be the pinnacle of his less than stellar school experience.

The day came. Willy was ready. In the middle of class, with Mrs. Bottom droning on and on about why one should think that divisibles were interresting, Willy stood up. He announced loudly, "This is entirely enough!" Mrs. Bottom stopped speaking. The students stopped not listening. All eyes focused on little Willy. "I have had enough of feeling bad about my lack of math abilities and will have no more of it!"

"Sit down and pay attention, little boy!" shouted Mrs. Bottom. "I think not foul one!" shouted the now determined little boy. And with that, Willy took off all of his clothes, down to his underwear. There he stood on top of his desk in his Spiderman Underoos. All eyes stared widely at Willy as he struck a somewhat heroic pose. "I will not be made to feel bad about myself because I do not do well in a subject that will not only have little effect on my adult life, but is also only deemed important by stuffed turkeys such as you, Mrs. Bottom!" he announced. "I am an individual who has great strengths in the creative realm, and there are millions who will enjoy my works that I will create in the future. There will only be a few hundred who will remember you because they had their joyful veneer tarnished because they were looked down on by you!"

Mrs. Bottom glared at the boy. "That will be quite enough!" she shouted as she lunged for Willy. Willy dodged her attempt and hopped to the book shelf. Like lightning, he climbed the shelf and then jumped onto the hanging lights. "Ha ha fiend! I've eluded your grasp!"

Mrs. Bottom poked at him with a long ruler. "NO CHILD HAS EVER ESCAPED SCHOOL!!! Not on my watch, anyways. Call Mr. Biggles the Principal." Marjorie Dorkman, the teacher's pet scurried over to the class phone and made the call. "CODE 1038, CODE 1038!!!" she shouted into the receiver.

Within minutes, Mr. Biggles and the local Police Chief were at the door. Looking wild eyed, Mr. Biggles pled with Willy to come down. "NEV-AAAAH!!!" Willy shouted defiantly. "Have it your way..." Mr. Biggles glared. "Call in the National Guard."

Willy jumped from the hanging lights and onto the hinged windows. "To freedom!!!" Willy climbed out the window and shimmied up the downspout and onto the roof. There, he marched back and forth yelling, "I am Spiderman! I am Spiderman!" over and over.

Classes emptied and all the school's students filled the parking lot to watch little Willy's protest. Fifth grade girls wept as they commented on how tremendously brave little Willy was. "He's dreamy. I can't believe he's only in fourth grade." they were heard to say.

The afternoon wore on into the evening. Still little Willy continued his stand. The firefighters refused to climb their ladders, due to a previously unknown widespread fear of heights. "We have never had to actually do anything like this before." The Fire Chief said, "Who knew we'd ever have to actually save anybody."

The Police were powerless, because the firefighters wouldn't let them use their ladders. "We just polished them for the third time this week." was their only reply.

The National Guard could not use their helicopters because the new President sold them so that he could finance mansions for underpriviledged homeless criminals who were here illegally from other countries.

And so it went. Little Willy marched on and on. He was given food and water by the fifth grade girls who rigged up a pulley system. He was given a much warmer Spiderman costume by his mother who was worried that he would "catch a draft" from marching in his underwear. He wore it proudly, despite the fact that it had a cape. Everyone knows that Spiderman doesn't have a cape.

On and on, he still marches. Willy's 36 years old now and still going strong. Mrs. Bottom went the way of the earth and Mr. Biggles retired to an insane assylum.

Willy's plan worked, and he has not had to do math a day in his life.

The End