Alternative Kung Fu...

Once in the early Chinese 14th Dynasty, there lived a small boy called Quang Quang. Quang Quang was master of every style of Kung Fu ever created. Crane? Simple. Crouching Tiger? A joke. Somewhat inebriated monkey fist? Childs play.

One day, Quang Quang faced his most deadliest foe ever to date...Shi Ho. Shi Ho was a dangerous and venerble opponent. All who knew of Shi Ho's prowess on the field of battle, shuddered at the thought of ever having to face him. Shi Ho swept down entire legions of battle hardened Kung Fu masters. With his weeping eye technique, Shi Ho had no equal.

Legend spread across the land until one day it landed on the ears of Quang Quang. Quang Quang scoffed at the thought that anyone could beat his unbeatable style. Rumor of Quang Quang's scoff crossed back across the land until it seeped into Shi Ho's awareness. Shi Ho rolled his eyes at Quang Quang's scoff. Stories of Shi Ho's eye rolling migrated back across the land until it came to Quang Quang's awareness that Shi Ho had in fact rolled his eyes to Quang Quang's scoffing. This sort of thing went back and forth for some time, and due to the lack of space we will skip to the good stuff.

Eventually, Shi Ho and Quang Quang issued each other challenges. Unfortunately they were lost in the disorganized postal service of the day. Tiring of waiting, they issued another mutual challenge which this time got to their intended targets.

Time droned onward as the day of battle approached. Finally it stopped droning. It stopped because the day had arrived, which is a pretty good reason for stopping.

Shi Ho stood silhouetted against the dimming Chinese sun. Quang Quang stood akimbo in defiance. Quang Quang was secretly jealous that Shi Ho got the better backdrop for his Kung Fu stance. The local villagers gathered in awe of the resplendent warriors.

Shi Ho called out loudly, "I hear you scoff at my LEGEND!" Quang Quang scoffed, "I hear you rolled your eyes at my SCOFFING!" This too went on for entirely too long. The villagers began to tire.

In time, Shi Ho challenged, "My legend is like a magnatude 6.5 on the Richter scale of Kung Fu!" Quang Quang said, "Not even!" This was not a particularly witty come back, but he was nervous and it was all that would come to his mind. Shi Ho countered, "Well, with that, we must FIGHT!"
Shi Ho launched his weeping eye technique. Shi Ho was little prepared for Quang Quang's new and improved Steel Armpit of Fury technique. Quang Quang locked his arm against his side like a steel trap. Shi Ho bounced off in a dribbling retreat. Shi Ho again attacked, only to be locked in a steely headlock the likes he'd never before encountered. Quang Quang squeezed and squeezed until Shi Ho's eye's bulged. "I...I...I surrender!" Shi Ho gasped.

The villagers cheered as they rushed forth to lift Quang Quang onto their shoulders. A bright new day had dawned for the villagers (despite the fact that it was by now well into the night), as they rested assured that they would be safe under the protection of Quang Quang and his Steel Armpits of Fury.

The end.