Donald the devious dinosaur...

There once (approximately 65 million years ago) lived a small and crafty dinosaur named Donald. Donald was a devious dinosaur. For those of you who don't know what devious means, then you should invest in a dictionary or a phone to call a friend whom has a dictionary. Perhaps you could save up enough money for a computer to look up the definition on the internet. This is of course completely absurd as you are reading this story on the computer.

So, back to Donald. Donald was as aforementioned devious. All the other dinosaurs knew this and avoided him at all costs. Donald was in fact the 'Eddie Haskell" of the dinosaur world. He would be sickly sweet as he fawned over this or that, in an attempt to curry favor. All this when everyone knew that Donald was really after some food.

Donald had no tact and often interrupted other dinosaurs in the very act of obtaining food. As you may know dinosaurs for the most part ate other dinosaurs, except the sissy kind that only ate plants. This can be a bloody affair and therefore the FCC has stepped in and censored various portions of this story.

A typical conversation would go like this,

Donald: "Hey, whatch'ya doin?"

Other dinosaur: "Chomp, rip, snarl...huh, what?"

Donald: "I said, whatch'ya doin?"

Other dinosaur: "Hey man, can't you see I'm busy?"

Donald: "Oh, yeah, I can see that and might I add that you're doing a REALLY good job!"

Other dinosaur: "Yeah, great. Anyway, I'm pretty busy. As you can see I have killed this poor defenseless sissy dinosaur."

Dinosaur being eaten: "I'm not completely dead."

Other dinosaur: "Well, you should be. I completely (CENSORED) you (CENSORED) with my large and ferocious teeth!"

Dinosaur being eaten: "Yes, that was fairly amazing, but I'm still alive. Additionally, I don't appreciate the insults. I may be a vegetarian, but it's a lifetstyle choice and frankly none of your business."

Other dinosaur: "I apologize. I see where you are going with this. It was quite rude for me to make such cutting (pun intended..get it...because of the teeth?) remarks before you were dead."

Dinosaur being eaten: "That's perfectly alright. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Nature may be what nature may be, but there's no reason to make it personal.

*and with that, the other dinosaur (CENSORED) the (CENSORED) out of the little sissy dinosaur's (CENSORED).

Donald: "Well, I must say that that was a VERY clean and effective (CENSORED). By the way, I've heard tell of your KINDNESS and GENEROSITY and thought that I might impose on you for an EXTREMELY small favor."

Other dinosaur: "Oh, great, here it comes."

At this point, Donald would mooch a leg or whatever other morsel he could con off of the other dinosaur. While annoying for you or I, this quickly became a serious source of contention for the other dinosaurs. After all they had a small brain and therefore a limited capacity for tolerating such impositions.

So when he wasn't looking, the other dinosaurs crept up behind Donald and (CENSORED) his (CENSORED) apart with a barage of (CENSORED) that (CENSORED) his (CENSORED) out. With Donald's (CENSORED), (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) out of his (CENSORED), he could no longer mooch food off of the other dinosaurs and in fact became a tasty meal for the venerable "Kevinasaurus Rex"...the meanest and hungriest dinosaur in the world.

The end.

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Turbo-donkey 3000

Have you ever had THIS happen to you? You have a large load of vegetables or other perishables to get to market, and your donkey just won't budge? I know I have.

Now, for a limited time only, BURTCO Industries has revolutionized your produce transportation problems! It's called TURBO-DONKEY 3000!!! No more will your tomatos become toma-don'ts! Your chickens will get there safely, your lettuce will arrive unwilted.


With it's patented, "Donkey rocket" technology, Turbo-donkey 3000 has the speed and acuracy that is unmatched in it's industry. Just look at THIS other major rocket powered brand.



It's way too slow and has been rumored to slam into cars, trees, an other immovable objects. THAT's a good way to get your food where it's going...as long as it's going to the MORGUE!


Yes, with Turbo-donkey 3000, you'll never hear THIS again, "Your vegetables smell like dookie!"


Just listen to this satisfied customer: "I used to habe los of troubles getting my coffee beans to market. With robbers, Federales, and Cartels, I yust could not get my beans to market without muchos problemas. Now when the Federales come, I yust flip a switch (click) I'm off! 'Nos bamos Turbo donkey tree tousand!' Aye, yi, yi!!!"







But wait, there's more! Now, for a limited time only, you can receive the free manual, "One thousand and one useful uses for a stuffed chicken!" when you purchase a Turbo-donkey 3000! The first hundred thousand callers will also receive the guide to identifying spider bites, "Spider bite or just MRSA?!?"


So remember friends, immitation rocket powered animals just won't cut it, and may cause permanent death! So order today, and your Turbo-donkey 3000 will be delivered to you immediately (Please allow six to eight weeks delivery as the Turbo-donkey 3000 is somewhat skittish and will not cross open water such as creeks and small fjords without significant encouragement).


This offer is not available in Florida, California, and Guam. They eat donkeys in Guam.

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Dong Dang Huynh and other funny things

This morning, the fam and I were going to swim in the creek. I was listening to the news and a report regarding an FBI bulletin came over the radio. The story indicated that Dong Dang Huyng was wanted for money laundering. They pronounced the name funny (Huynh Dang Dong) and the kids started laughing (sorry Dong). They further said that Dong might be in Vietnam or Hong Kong. This was too much for the car and the following wordplay ensued:

Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong...where he is playing ping pong.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong...with King Kong.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong...while
acting like ding dongs.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong, while acting like ding dongs...singing a song.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong, while acting like ding dongs, singing a song...about Long's.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong while acting like ding dongs, singing a song about Long's...where they are going to buy palm fronds.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong while acting like ding dongs, singing a song about Long's where they are going to buy palm fronds...to
make magic wands.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong while acting like ding dongs, singing a song about Long's where they are going to buy palm fronds to make magic wands...to turn every girl into blondes.


This is about where it ended, but as you can see, my children will have plenty to talk with Dr. Phil about when they are older.

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Everyone's named Steve...

There was once a land where everyone was named "Steve". Men, women and children were named Steve. Dogs and cats along with various other types of pets were named Steve also.

While this may seem like a novel idea, it actually stunk. Here is a sample of a common daily interaction between a Steve family at the breakfast table: "Hey Steve, could you pass me the milk for my cereal?" Steve asked. "No Steve, I drank the last of the milk last night when I was up late tending to an awful case of indigestion." replied Steve. "COME ON Steve!" yelled Steve. "That's the second time this month you've drank all the milk!"

About this time, the father (also named Steve) steps in. "Alright, the both of you. I've had enough of your bickering! Steve, you will apologize to your sister Steve for drinking all the milk. Steve, you will apologize to your brother Steve for being such a snag." "Oh, Steve" said the mother, "Why do you have to be so hard on the children?" "For the last time Steve" said the father to the mother, "when will you ever back my play? I'm supposed to be the head of this family!" "The head better head out, or he'll be late for work!" Steve looked at his watch and scurried for the door. "We'll talk more about this LATER!" Steve snorted as he left the room.

"Alright kids" Steve said to her son and daughter "You know how much it bothers your father Steve when you fight. Steve, you need to be nicer to your sister, and Steve, you need to be more patient with your brother."

"You're right mother" said Steve "I'm sorry Steve. I'll try to be nicer." "I agree, I'll see if I can put up with more of your immature nonsense than usual." said Steve to her brother.

Steve the mother and the two children named Steve all laughed together as they thought about how silly the argument had truely been. Steve the dog wagged his tail and barked in appreciation for all the love that was being shared in the room.

As you can see, this is a horrible place and we'll have no more of it.

The end.

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Kevin and Derek's dysfunctional relationship...

Kevin was a lemur. He was no ordinary lemur...well, I guess he was pretty standard as far as lemurs go. Not much to say there.

Anyway, Kevin was the leader of a small pack (herd, pack, flock? Lemurs never were given the 411 on what to call themselves, en masse). Kevin was a fairly compassionate lemur who thought that the group should be more inclusive as a whole. There had been several attempts by other animals to join their little herd, pack, flock (or whatever you may call it) of lemurs, but they were either chased off or given the cold shoulder until they would wander away with all new reasons to get lost in self doubt.

One bright morning, Kevin awoke to find a large dinosaur sleeping in the center of their little community. "This was not there before." thought Kevin. He was almost completely certain of that one point. Two points of which Kevin held feelings of less certainty were, A) What was the dinosaur doing in the middle of their living area, and 2) would his intentions be honorable and not end in the senseless eating of several members of his community. Kevin would not have long to wait for answers to both questions.

As the sunlight bathed over the last tall tree, the rooster crowed. The dinosaur awoke drowsily and sat his head up. He immediately ate the rooster in one enormous bite.

On most days, this type of activity would have bothered Kevin but a little, but Keving you see had very important meetings this week which required him to wake punctually (aided of course by the inherent need for the rooster to crow at the first signs of sunlight).

"Excuse me," beckoned Kevin the lemur to the dinosaur. "Would you please spit that back out? I need it, you see." "I'm sorry" said the dinosaur, "I've already swallowed it past my pyloric sphincter. As I'm sure you're aware, once it's passed that point, there is no coming back." Kevin bristled a little as he regarded the dinosaur's reply.

"Well, sir." Kevin snorted, "This simply will not do. We have rules and such around these parts, which preclude the eating of smaller beasts by larger and more teethier ones." The dinosaur thought about this for a short while, then said, "O.K. I understand. My name is Derek and I shall refrain from eating lesser beasts, as long as you let me live here. I like this spot, and frankly, I am in no hurry to leave." Kevin agreed and slowly over the next few weeks, an awkward friendship began among the two.

Things were going alright for the most part, when Kevin started realizing that his small group, pack (whatever) was getting smaller. "That's odd" thought Kevin. "I wonder the other lemurs have gone on some type of vacation of some sort?" They had in a way gone on a permenant vacation...one that would led through the entrails of Derek the dinosaur and end in a small distasteful pile on the side of the road.

Kevin really became concerned when his girlfriend Phillis and her brother Phillip dissappeared. Phillis for obvious reasons and Phillip because he owed him some money.

Kevin approached Derek one day and said, "Excuse me, Derek. Have you any idea what has happened to the others of this herd, pack, flock or whatever you may call it?" Derek looked at Kevin and smiled a wide toothy smile, "Nope." Kevin gasped as he spied there between Derek's front incisor and his other incisor (he's a dinosaur, that's all he has...it's because he only eats meat. You should know this stuff.) was the lovely tail of his late Phillis.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Kevin stated. "What have you done? You've eaten them haven't you?!?!?" "Well, since you're asking..." Derek said, "Yeah, I did have a few...dozen."

"What am I supposed to think of this? I let you stay here, against the wishes of the others in this herd, pack, flock or whatever you may call it and now you've eaten them!!! Well, that's just GREAT!!!"

"You can calm down, I won't eat any more." Derek reassured Kevin. Just then, Chuck the lemur walked by and Derek snapped him up into his rather large jaws. "HEY! I thought you said you weren't going to eat any more?" Derek just shrugged and looked on sheepishly. William the lemur was riding his new bike past the two and Derek slowly leaned to the side and sucked him into his mouth, "Swoooooop...crunch."

"Alright mister!" Kevin exclaimed. "You're OUTTA HERE!!!" Kevin marched over to Derek and pushed hard against the large dinosaur's torso. He tugged, he shoved, he lifted, but Derek would just not be moved.

"Are you quite finished?" Derek asked. "I'm getting a stomach ache"

This was it. Kevin would have no more. Why had he let this mangy dinosaur into his tribe in the first place? Kevin stood with his paws on his hips and looked Derek straight in the eye. "I trusted you, but that's it! If you eat one more lemur..!"

Children, I will spare you the gruesome details of Kevin's little trip through the dinosaur's not-so-super highway. So remember little ones, just because a person says he's your friend, doesn't mean he isn't eating your family for lunch.

The end.

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Tony's almost famous pizzaria...

Yo here, it's Tony of Tony's almost famous pizzaria. I got like six different pizzas here. I gots the pepperoni. I gots linguisa. I even gots pineapple. I don't know what kind of sissy would order the pineapple pizza, but I'll be sure to let you know when he comes in.

How did I get started you may ask. Well, come over here and sit down. My father...my father he was a good man. My father said, "Little Tony. Make a life for yourself. Do something nice to make the people happy and don't never let nobody get you down an' you'll get someplace in life." I believed him.

"HEY VINNIE! GET THE PAPER TOWELS FOR THE BATHROOM! MRS. VINCHENZO DON'T HAVE NOTHIN' TO WIPE HER HANDS WIT!" Sorry about that. Anyways, I thought to myself, "Little Tony. What could you do to make the people happy?" I didn't know anything. I thought and thought. I thought alot back then. Now, not so much.

So's my mother and my father, they took me one night to a pizzaria. They had like five different pizzas there! I was in heaven. I ate like three different pizza slices wit' my cousins. I knew it then, that this was my calling in life. I was a gonna be a pizza guy.

So sit down and have yourself a nice slice of the pizza. I got some cracked peppers an some shakey-cheese. You want it fast? Forgetaboutit.

Take a load off and enjoy some of Tony's almost famous pizza.

The end.

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The economics of Pan...

Pan sat in the center of the great council. He rolled his eyes as the scribe read off the charges, each worse than the previous. Zeus glowered down on the central podium where Pan sat, sighing.

Pan shot a sideways smile and a quick wink at Daphnis who was looking on shyly. Her face flushed as she raised her shoulders glanced away. He didn't dare blow a kiss, as this would place Zeus completely over the edge. Even Pan knew the boundaries not to cross. This boundary was somewhere in the vicinity of the outskirts of Hades. There would definetly be no fun to be had there.

So Pan listened on half interrestedly, marking the time by the grains of sand dropping through the hour glass.

"PAN!" bellowed Zeus, "WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY REGARDING THE CHARGES RAISED AGAINST YOU?!?" "I'm sorry" quipped Pan, "I couldn't quite hear what you were saying." Even under threat of banishment, Pan couldn't resist a little jab here and there.

"PAN!" Zeus continued, "You have been charged with spreading disease and destruction throughout the land. The cost of your libations and frivolities have been great. What have ye to say?"

Pan sat thoughtfully as the sentence hung like a stale scent once pleasant. After some time, he broke the silence with a question. "How, could this be true?" said he, "I have done nothing but given the world a ROSE, yet you accuse me of sewing thistles."

Zeus uttered a low sigh as his voice calmed. "Pan, your ROSE held bitter thornes. Did you not know that only the top of the rose holds the pleasant scent? The remainder left over time is sharp, painful, and hard to let go. This is the price of your endeavors. For you are not human and do not know the pain, for time is neverending for you, thus the petals never fall."

Zeus continued, "Pan, is there no way that you will understand and cease your sewing?" Pan held no understanding of the weight of his words. He had never felt any of the pain of which Zeus spoke of. His was a life of pleasure and continual enjoyment. He couldn't conceive of the damage of which he was charged.

"Lord Zeus, " Pan responded, "I know nothing of what you speak. My work is the work of love and happiness. There is no pain, nor could there be. What loss you speak of, I know not. Therefore, I will not stop spreading my form of happiness. I will continue till the end of my days, which you know well will never come." With that, Pan leaned back against the rail and smiled triumphantly.

Zeus clapped his mighty hands together signifying that he was ready to pass sentence on the accused. "Pan, there is nothing to do with you, but to banish you. The cost of your freedom is too high." The panoply gasped at the sentenced passed, for many of them had taken part in Pan's escapades and had assured themselves that he would find his freedom in the end.

Zeus raised his arms to quiet the rising din. "Pan, despite this sentence, I do not pass the judgement upon you." Pan cocked a quizzical eyebrow. The gods sat in questioning silence. Zeus continued, "I pass this judgement on all present, BUT you. I know the secret acts of those in this room and I know of their hidden thoughts." The great room slammed to a convicted halt. "I pass this judgement, that you be banished from the hearts and lives of all, but I do not cast you from the land. It is the responsibility of all present to banish you from their lives, so that one day you will hold no sway over them."

Zeus clapped his hands for the final time and left the others with their convictions. One by one, the gods turned to leave, their hearts pierced with guilt. One by one they left, until the columned halls rang hollow.

Pan stood bewildered. What had happened? Was he still in trouble? No Hades?

"Huh." exclaimed Pan. And with that, he went off to find some libation.

The end.

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