Donald the devious dinosaur...

There once (approximately 65 million years ago) lived a small and crafty dinosaur named Donald. Donald was a devious dinosaur. For those of you who don't know what devious means, then you should invest in a dictionary or a phone to call a friend whom has a dictionary. Perhaps you could save up enough money for a computer to look up the definition on the internet. This is of course completely absurd as you are reading this story on the computer.

So, back to Donald. Donald was as aforementioned devious. All the other dinosaurs knew this and avoided him at all costs. Donald was in fact the 'Eddie Haskell" of the dinosaur world. He would be sickly sweet as he fawned over this or that, in an attempt to curry favor. All this when everyone knew that Donald was really after some food.

Donald had no tact and often interrupted other dinosaurs in the very act of obtaining food. As you may know dinosaurs for the most part ate other dinosaurs, except the sissy kind that only ate plants. This can be a bloody affair and therefore the FCC has stepped in and censored various portions of this story.

A typical conversation would go like this,

Donald: "Hey, whatch'ya doin?"

Other dinosaur: "Chomp, rip, snarl...huh, what?"

Donald: "I said, whatch'ya doin?"

Other dinosaur: "Hey man, can't you see I'm busy?"

Donald: "Oh, yeah, I can see that and might I add that you're doing a REALLY good job!"

Other dinosaur: "Yeah, great. Anyway, I'm pretty busy. As you can see I have killed this poor defenseless sissy dinosaur."

Dinosaur being eaten: "I'm not completely dead."

Other dinosaur: "Well, you should be. I completely (CENSORED) you (CENSORED) with my large and ferocious teeth!"

Dinosaur being eaten: "Yes, that was fairly amazing, but I'm still alive. Additionally, I don't appreciate the insults. I may be a vegetarian, but it's a lifetstyle choice and frankly none of your business."

Other dinosaur: "I apologize. I see where you are going with this. It was quite rude for me to make such cutting (pun intended..get it...because of the teeth?) remarks before you were dead."

Dinosaur being eaten: "That's perfectly alright. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Nature may be what nature may be, but there's no reason to make it personal.

*and with that, the other dinosaur (CENSORED) the (CENSORED) out of the little sissy dinosaur's (CENSORED).

Donald: "Well, I must say that that was a VERY clean and effective (CENSORED). By the way, I've heard tell of your KINDNESS and GENEROSITY and thought that I might impose on you for an EXTREMELY small favor."

Other dinosaur: "Oh, great, here it comes."

At this point, Donald would mooch a leg or whatever other morsel he could con off of the other dinosaur. While annoying for you or I, this quickly became a serious source of contention for the other dinosaurs. After all they had a small brain and therefore a limited capacity for tolerating such impositions.

So when he wasn't looking, the other dinosaurs crept up behind Donald and (CENSORED) his (CENSORED) apart with a barage of (CENSORED) that (CENSORED) his (CENSORED) out. With Donald's (CENSORED), (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) out of his (CENSORED), he could no longer mooch food off of the other dinosaurs and in fact became a tasty meal for the venerable "Kevinasaurus Rex"...the meanest and hungriest dinosaur in the world.

The end.

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The origin of specees...cows.

It is a little known fact that the Darwin family produced many talented and scientifically minded children. Floyd Darwin specialized in the study of avian depression. Devin Darwin was well noted for his research into the dating habits of the Polish stink beetle. The least of these brothers was Alvin. Alvin Darwin was a somewhat dull and unoriginal person and had a difficult time finding his niche in life.

Following his brother Charles' success, Alvin decided to write his own book. It was called, "The origin of specees." Alvin was not very good at spelling, which ironically kept him out of a copyright lawsuit with his brother. Alvin did not know the correct designations of the animal kingdom, so he catagorized his findings into the more pedantic vernacular. Chapters which should have been titled, "Lacertilia Amphibisbaenia" were simply labeled, "lizards and stuff." This unfortunately caused an entire branch of science to be born, that is recognized as legitimate in a few third world countries and some boroughs in Pennsylvania.

The following is a post from Alvin Darwin's "The origin of specees", entitled, "Cows." Cows are an oft misunderstood creature. Cows are basically slower and somewhat less attractive horses. If horses had dances, then cows would be the ones sitting on the side, wondering why their mother made them come to the event. After all, she was married at twelve and dancing was not allowed by her particular form of Baptist faith.

Cows were originally from the Antarctic. Cows were well known fisherman who migrated with the penguins. Cows and penguins lived in relative peace and harmony until the great penguin uprising in the third century. This was a bloody revolution wherein several cows were visciously nibbled until severely chaffed. There was no actual blood loss, but it made the previous sentence sound much more exciting.

Cows developed a blowhole and swam to north america. These cows were called "Whale cows" and will be discussed in a later chapter. Once upon firm American land, these "Whale cows" shed their now useless blowholes, trading them in for more fashionable "nose holes." There is a small group of "Whale cows" called Manitees that now inhabit the upper Manitoba region and it's surrounding lakes.

Cows are not to be trusted as they are manipulative card players and frequently tell fibs about their "whereabouts" on particular dates and times. Cows do give some nice milk, but some suspect that this is only part of a more diabolical scheme to gain world domination.

As you can see, Alvin was right on so many levels. Stay tuned for more of Alvin Darwin's "Origin of Specees".

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A short fairytale

Once in a small fairy glade, there lived a beautiful white unicorn named Jasper. Jasper was a happy unicorn who loved to watch the fairies paint the trees, flowers and grasses all the colors of the seasons. Jasper's best friend was Lentil. Lentil was a gnome. Not only was Lentil a gnome, but he was a very special gnome who had a very special job. Lentil was a nose gnome. Lentil loved to climb into Jasper's nose and find special golden berries. Jasper always had lots of special golden nose berries and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

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Two pies for Donald...

There once was a little bunny named Donald. Donald lived on the outskirts of a small village on the outside of London. There was nothing Donald loved better than to hop into the village and smell the wonderful aroma of pies as they cooled on the baker's racks. "There's nothing I love better than to hop into the village and smell the wonderful aroma of pies as they cool on the baker's racks" Donald said thoughtfully to himself.

This became a daily ritual for Donald, but unfortunately there came another tradition not so wonderful. For whilst Donald stood gazing longingly at the pies, the other naughty little rabbits would gather around and tease him. "You are poor and have to eat government cheese, and other bits of state funded edibles!" they would jeer. This as you might well imagine made Donald very sad. Sad not only because he was indeed very poor, but also because he never got to even taste the delicious smelling pies.

Time carried on, each day much the same as the one before. Donald would hop into the village and enjoy the smells. The other little rabbits would hop over to Donald and enjoy the heckling.

One day, the town crier called out from his high perch, "The butcher is coming, the butcher is coming!" This was the cry that everyone dreaded. This was the proudest moment of the crier's life. "I actually got to yell something other than the time and various bits of gossip!" he thought.

The butcher loomed from above the small rabbit village and with one sweep, swept up the rabbit closest to him. This ironically was the town crier in his high tower, thus making it the best and worst day of his life (in that order).

"Run!" everyone yelled as they tried to hop away. A dark realization came over the crowd as they realized that they had become very fat from eating pies every day and were quite unable to conduct any physical exertion on their own. It's not that they were particularly fond of eating pies every day, but it just seemed so much fun to chomp one down in front of the poor Donald chap. "We can't run because we're very fat due to the overconsumption of sugary pies!" they were heard to yell.

Now the following will say quite alot about you and your opinion of such things. You will be allowed to select the ending you think most appropriate. They are as follows:

Ending number 1: Donald laughed as he saw the butcher sweeping up little fat bunnies to put in his award winning bunny stew. "Ha, ha you evil nare-do-wells. I'd help, but you would never offer me so much as a single piece of delicious pie. Add to that your incessant need to badger me regarding my financial woes!" And with that, Donald hopped off to happier climbes where he started a bakery of his own and had just as much pie as he wanted.

The end.

Ending number 2: Donald heard the din rising from the village and lept to his window. You see, he had not been eating pies all these years and was very capable of leaping to the window or anything else he chose to leap to.

Donald ran into the village and with a mighty leap, jumped up and spun a 180 degree turn. Donald kicked at the butcher's mouth and broke out one of his bicuspids. The tooth lodged soundly in the butcher's airway, causing him to cough and gag as he stumbled away from the rabbit village.

Cheers rose from the villagers as they tried to lift Donald upon their shoulders with little success. "Oh, sod it, we'll just give him a reward for his heroic efforts!" they said. And with that, they led Donald to the one place he frequented every day his entire life. The bakery. Donald selected one boysenberry and one cherry pie which he savored and relished for the rest of his life.

The end

P.S. I know you chose the first ending. Sick-o's.

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The biggest, meanest rat...

Once there was a really big and potentially mean rat. The rat was disproportionatly large compared to the rest of the other rats in the colony. As if this was not bad enough, the rat's name was Cecil, and it's common knowledge that the only other rat ever named Cecil was a politician who made some very unpopular legislation regarding the so called, "Cheese tax."

Anyway, Cecil was regarded as one of the biggest and meanest rats ever to scurry the earth. Cecil's appearance was made even more scary, due to a large facial scar incurred one night when he tried to use a sleeping cat's claw as a toothpick. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The funny part, was that Cecil was not mean at all and had a generally cheery disposition. Unfortunately for Cecil, nobody was willing to look past his hard exterior and see who he really was. Nobody for instance knew that Cecil was an accomplished unicyclist. Cecil just wanted to be known and accepted for who he was.

One day, Cecil decided that he was going to let everyone know who he really was. Cecil climbed aboard his favorite unicycle and began riding around the colony. Rats stopped eating and stared with mouths agape. "What the heck is Cecil doing?" they whispered to one another. "Perhaps he's gone crazy, or is having some type of diabetic emergency." some replied.

After some time, Jasper the rat asked Cecil, "Hey, Cecil. What are you doing riding on the one wheeled contraption?" Cecil smiled and replied, "I'm riding a unicycle. It's like a bicycle, but with only one wheel, hence the name unicycle. It means a one wheeled cycle." Jasper frowned...not so much because Cecil was riding the unicycle, but because he used several big words that he did not quite understand. Thus not understanding, Jasper decided that it would be the right thing to do to act as if he disapproved, though he was not sure of what he was disapproving of.

"Hey, Cecil" Jasper said loudly enough for all to hear, "How about you just go ahead and stop doing whatever it is you think you are doing? You look silly and you are endangering the safety of our tails. Tail safety, after all is one of the foremost concerns in a rat colony...everyone knows that." All the other rats nodded in approval. "Yes" they said, "Tail safety is of utmost importance."

"This is who I am" Cecil announced, "I am a unicycler, which is not really a real word, but it's what I am, and I hope that you can accept me for who I am."

"We can't" the rats said, and kicked Cecil out of the colony.

The end.

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Sancho the courageous chihuahua...

Once many years ago, there lived a colony of tree dwelling chihuahuas. These were no ordinary chihuahuas, they were the legendary "lost chihuahuas of Tikal". The legendary chihuahuas of Tikal were renown for their bravery and tree climbing skills. This was not a particularly useful skill for a small dog, but it was certainly unique.

Among the chihuahuas of Tikal, there was none braver than Sancho. Sancho's true name of course was "Sancho los Gigante Pero en del mundo". Sancho was cool with just calling him, "Sancho."

One day, the nearby village of Moco Gigante fell under attack from the ruthless desperado, "El Frank-o." El Frank-o was the most cruel bandito this side of everything and the people knew it. This would have been of little concern to Sancho, except that the people of Moco Gigante gave him little treats consisting of pig ears and little smokies brand weiners. Aah, little smokies brand weiners...get some today.

Anyway, Sancho was quite put out, due to the lack of snacks provided by the village peasants. Sancho thought, "Man, I could go for some little smokies brand weiners. They can be found at any of your neighborhood's finer stores. Everyone should have some delicious little mokies brand weiners...TODAY!"

Anyway, again, Sancho decided that this little smokies brand weiner embargo had come to an end. He was going to deal with this El Frank-o and put an end to his tyrany.

So Sancho crept into the village late one night. He climbed a small oak tree and peered over the town. "Where is he? Where is this...El Frank-o?" Sancho watched and waited. Eventually, he saw a stumbling figure stagger out of the local saloon. "I got all the little smokies brand weiners in the land! I am truely the baddest bandito in all the land!"

Sancho knew his target instantly. He crouched on a low hanging branch and waited. The stumbling figure wandered closer and closer. Sancho's heart steeled in anticipation for his assault. As El Frank-o walked under the branch, Sancho lept onto his head. El Frank-o yelled, "Aye chihuahua! Es una chihuahua con bravado en los corazon! No es megusta!"

Sancho nipped at El Frank-o's ears and nose. Tiny bite marks scarred El Frank-o's once handsome visage. "No mas, no mas!", complained the criminal.

With that Sancho hopped to the ground. "Do you promise to leave this village and all the little smokies brand weiners behind, and to never return?"

El Frank-o thought for a moment as he looked down, considering Sancho's offer. With a, "Vaminos!", El Frank-o punted Sancho out of sight.

The end.

The moral: Little chihuahuas should not try to fight crime.

The other moral: Wouldn't it be great if we had some little smokies brand weiners...TONIGHT?

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Chocolate rabbit in the land of giant pink people...

There once was a chocolate rabbit named Cecil. Cecil was a brilliant scientist in the land of chocolate rabbits. He once invented a creme that would prevent melting in the hot summer months. This was of course a boon to all chocolate rabbits everywhere, and they even tried to elect him king of all chocolate rabbits. Cecil declined of course, as he is foremost a scientist, not a politician.

One fateful day, Cecil completed a year long project. It was a space / time continuum transport. "I've completed it!" announced Cecil. "It is complete, and there is no part of which is not complete.", he reiterated.

Cecil strapped on a little chocolate helmet and entered the machine. With the push of a chocolate button, and the pull of a little chocolate lever, Cecil was off. A brilliant flash announced Cecil's departure. Every chocolate rabbit was overjoyed at Cecil's departure. All that is, except of course, Roger the bill collector. It seems that chocolate rabbit science is an occupation that will run up a rather large bill.

"Blam-zippo!!!", the chocolate space / time continuum machine announced, as it entered the new dimension. "Ahh", thought Cecil. "I wonder what wonderful land I've arrived at?" Cecil opened the transport's door and peered out into a bleak and vast landscape. "What a bleak and vast landscape this is."

Cecil hopped out to examine his new discovery. "I claim this land for chocolate rabbits everywhere (except that is, unless there are other creatures much more fierce than us, and would pose a danger to the survival to our species, and in that case, they can keep it).

Just then, Cecil heard a wretched yell. "What could that be?" thought Cecil. Cecil hopped over a hill and saw a terrible sight. There in a valley were several overweight and pink things chasing about after chocolate animals of all sorts. There were chocolate Zebras, chocolate Hippopotami, and chocolate Wilda beasts. They were running for their lives from the large pink things. Every now and again, one of the giant pink things would catch and devour a poor chocolate beast.

Cecil was horrified. What kind of sick place was this, where the dominant species would catch and devour chocolate animals? Poor Cecil did not know, despite his tremendous aptitude for science and the learning arts, that he had inadvertently transported himself to the land of humans...at EASTER!!!

Cecil nearly lost tossed his chocolate chips at the terrifying sight before his eyes. As Cecil the chocolate rabbit scientist was attempting to compose himself, a large pink human fixed his gaze on Cecil's chocolaty goodness. "Mommy, I want the chocolate bunny!" Cecil's chocolate stomach sank as he realized the dire predicament he was in. "I've got to get away!", Cecil exclaimed.

Hopping and dodging the little fat chocolate-stained fingers, Cecil bound towards his chocolate ship. Closer and closer the overweight pink giant came. Faster and faster, Cecil hopped. Cecil could hear the heavy panting from the giant pinkling.

Cecil's head began to get dizzy as he began to worry that he might become the third course in this animal's chocolate smorgasboard. Cecil ran under a low lying bush, and the pink monster's leg became tangled in the branches. Down and down the creature fell, at last coming to a crash a mere inches from Cecil's scurrying frame. "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!", cried the foul fleshy fiend.

Cecil made it to the transport and slammed the door. A quick switch and press of chocolate mechanisms and, "Wham-blooie!", Cecil was off.

Safely at home, Cecil gave up his life as a scientist, for it had almost cost him his life. Cecil settled in a small chocolate town, called Hershey. There he married a beautiful Dutch white chocolate rabbit and taught gym class at the local YRCA (figure that one out). He lived happily ever after and had a very sweet life.

The end.

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Thomas the people...

Once upon a time, there lived a person. A human person. This human person had a name. This human person's name was Thomas.

Now Thomas was a small person who did not like a good many things. One of the good many things that Thomas did not like were animals. Yes, you heard it right...animals. No one knows for sure why Thomas did not like animals, but one thing is for sure. He did not like them, and that was final.

One day, Thomas' father tricked him into going into the forest. Thomas' father thought (quite correctly I might add) that Thomas needed to get out of the house more and stop playing his X-station video games as much. Unfortunately for Thomas' father, this was the worst possible thing for a small pink defenseless thing such as Thomas the human to do. One requires practice for such adventures. A warm up of sorts.

But thus it was, as Thomas walked into the forest, his father had no idea of what awaited him. For Thomas walked into the forest under the guise that there was a video game convention in the ring of trees. The ring of trees was a beautiful clearing wherein Thomas' father believed Thomas would succumb to the beauties of nature and forever vanquish X-station from his life. Quite unknowingly, Thomas' father sent him into the heart of the forest on the most magical night of all. This was the night where humans were granted the ability to understand the myriad languages of the forest creatures.

So inward Thomas went, deeper and deeper into the forest. Eventually he reached the ring of trees that his father spoke of. "What the heck?" asked Thomas. "Where are all the video games and the convention I was promised?" Thomas was very angry. "I am very angry." Thomas confirmed. "I was tricked into going into this forest and now I am here and there is nothing but a bunch of stinking animals of various varieties, each hated more and more in ascending order."

"Squirrels, I dislike you. Racoons, I have no regard for you whatsoever. Chinchillas, you know how I feel about you and I couldn't care in the least. Deer, bah. Bears and Donkeys, you can take a flying leap as you subsequently pound sand, if that's at all possible." So there sat Thomas glowering at all manner of now insulted animals. Of course all animals can understand humans, but up and until the next few paragraphs, Thomas was completely oblivous to this fact and to the fact that tonight he would be able to hear just how much they thought of him.

"What's this", sneered the bear. "Something small and pink. My primary diet is the salmon which is also pink. Perhaps I might make a change of menu for one night." "He's a people." answered the racoon. "They live in the square trees outside of the forest."

Thomas' eyes opened wide in dismay. "Did you two just speak?" "Of course", replied the bear. "All animals speak, it's just that you humans are unwilling to listen." Thomas screamed and tried to run out of the circle. Unfortunately for him, such a large group of forest dwelling animals had gathered that he was unable to break out of the ring. "This is not possible." shouted Thomas, "Animals are dumb and cannot talk", which we all know is redundant.

Young Thomas knelt down and cried. He could not believe what was happening. What was he to do? "P-pppp-pp-please, don't eat me." begged Thomas. "Why not, you little twerp?" asked the deer. "After all, you have done nothing but be rude to us and hurt many of our feelings." Now the comments of the deer on this subject was largely irrevelent as they are completely vegetarian. That is all but Brian the meat eating deer...which is an entirely separate story.

Despite this point, Thomas had no idea the eating habits of any of the animals now watching him. Thomas often refused to watch any educational programing, especially the nature channel. Thomas cried and cried.

Eventually, the bear got really tired of hearing Thomas' whining and ate him.

The end.

The moral: "Bears have very little tolerance for whining."

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