Captain Magnum...

In a major metropolis, there lived a hero. Not just any hero, but a pretty good hero. His name? Captain Magnum. Captain Magnum had magnificent mental mind powers the likes the world had never seen (except once in a movie about mind powers, but that was totally made up). Captain Magnum scoured the back alleys and boroughs for crime. Not just any crime, but really bad crime. Criminal crime. Really bad criminal crime.

Captain Magnum's secret identity was that of Bruce Mingo, lowly account temp from Nowheresville Kentucky. Yeah, you heard it. Kentucky. I didn't even know that place still existed.

Unfortunately for the fair citizens of this metropolis, Captain Magnum was really just Bruce Mingo. You see, Mr. Mingo contracted a rare brain inflamation disease while on vacation in the Bahamas. He'd won the trip on a radio contest. If he wasn't so crazy, he would have wished he would have changed the channel that fateful day.

Bruce Mingo only thought that he was Captain Magnum. Bruce Mingo was after all crazy. I mean, really crazy. Like the kind of crazy that should be locked away in some scary looking castle, slash, mental instution where freaky brain experiments are conducted on his...um...brain.

In the wee hours of the morning, between midnight and like around four thirty, Bruce (a.k.a. Captain Magnum) would wander through the alleyways fighting what he perceived as criminal activity. Really bad criminal activity. The thing is, is that the activity was just like regular everyday activity. Things like picking up the paper, and walking the dog and stuff like that.

Bruce Mingo would lurk in the shadows and when he saw such activity, he would jump out and use his mind powers to defeat the "criminals." This usually consisted of placing his index and middle fingers on his temples and squinting profusely at his intended victims. In Bruce's mind, he was forming and shooting a mind ray into his opponent's mind, causing an immediate explosion of millions of synapses (synapsis? sinapseese? I'm not really sure). In reality, he was just kind of annoying people. Once he did manage to cause a severe, but not lethal case of irritatation in a mail delivery person.

There is no end to this story. Bruce Mingo (a.k.a. Captain Magnum) still wanders the streets of the metropolis. Perhaps he's keeping the streets of your town safe from all the as-of-yet-unannoyed paper picker uppers, and dog walkers, and mail delivery persons. Perhaps you'll see him some early morning and know to not only fear, but respect...Captain Magnum.

The end...or is it?

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The world's greatest super hero...

Phil. That's what they call me. That is of course those who live in the real world...those who don't know the real me...or the life I lead. I am a super hero. I save lives.

There's another group of people. People who take things from others, hit them and stuff, and do other crime things. Criminals. They know me by a name too. Phil. My super hero name is also Phil, so as to not confuse things. I've got alot on my plate.

Super hero's such as myself have quite alot of things to deal with as you might imagine. Crime. Other super hero's trying to slip in on your turf. Accessorizing. Yeah, you heard right. Accessorizing. You might have totally kung-fu skills, but if you show up with your cape not matching your unitard...super headache. Whiffle girl still hasn't stopped teasing me about that one. She's one to talk. Making whiffling sounds isn't much of a super power.

Not like mine that is. My power? I knew you'd ask. My super power is dodging. I can totally dodge like, six or seven things. Perhaps you want to throw some scissors, or candy, or tennis balls at me? Childs play.

Captain Evilbad once threw like five bowling balls at me. Totally dodged them.

I was fairly impressed that he was able to even pick up five bowling balls. I tried it later and it wasn't as easy as it looked.

Anyway, here I watch. Waiting for the opportunity to dodge some criminals straight into jail. That's not very easy, but it's kind of like a three rights making a left thing. They run at me and I dodge a whole bunch of times, so that the last time they run at me, I dodge and they run right into the jail cell. Sweet.

You'd think that the criminals would just stop running at me after a while. Two things help me in this regard. One, the criminal mind is dumb. The second, is that I am pretty good at taunting them into chasing me. One of my favorites is, "Hey, you're a really bad criminal and I am currently dating your sister and making her hold the door for me." It drives them insane. It's like catnip, but for criminals...and without the cats.

The cops didn't like it all that much before I earned super hero status. I didn't have a key to the department and the next day there'd be like a stack of twenty or so criminals stacked up in front of the front door. They were like little birds that didn't see the glass.

So next time you think of committing crime, remember, Phil's watching you. Phil's always watching.

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