The senator and the vulture...

"Senator, we have a problem."

"What is it Jenkins?"

"Certain members of the special interest groups are complaining about falling stock."

"Well, which group is it?"

"Let’s see…it’s the “Citizens for American decency and covered heads.”

"What?"

"Yeah…the C.A.D.C.H.' They’re a very powerful lobbying group and paid for approximately 1/3 of your election campaign."

"Holy mackerel. Why haven’t I heard of them before?"

"They’re very secretive, but push a strong agenda."

"What’s their agenda?"

"Wigs."

"Wigs?"

"Yes. More specifically, that no American go around without hair of some sort covering their heads."

"Why that’s preposterous!"

"I know. They’re especially hostile to bald men."

"What is this world coming to? A man, or woman should be allowed to be bald if they want to.After all, this is America!"

"I agree, but unfortunately they don’t. In fact, the CADCH picked your campaign because you had fuller hair than your opponent."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Not my stance on fashionable clothing for the indigent?"

"Nope."

"Not my sweeping program, “No undocumented immigrants pets left behind?”

"Uh uh."

"Unbelievable."

"I know sir, but we have to do something fast, or else they are going to pull their funding from your next campaign."

"But my opponent is BALD!"

"I understand, but they said they are willing to provide him a lifetime’s supply of Rogaine, if necessary."

"I don’t believe this."

"Neither do I."

The Senator thought for a moment. At last, a look of inspiration came over his face. "O.K. Here’s what we do. We need to think of outsourcing the CADCH’s particular resources."

"Outsourcing...wigs?"

"Absolutely, man! We’re in crisis mode! No idea is off limits!"

"Sooooo, what do you suggest we do?”

"We need to look to other species."

"Species?"

"Species."

"Umm, well what species were you thinking about?"

"Vultures."

"Vultures?"

"Yes. Vultures. They’re the PERFECT candidate! Completely bald. It’s embarrassing. We need to pass strong legislation requiring the covering of Vultures heads."

"I’m not sure the tax payers are going to approve of this."

"Confound the tax payers! They have no idea what we spend their money on. You remember the new Jenny Craig elephant and hippo weight loss bill of ‘98?"

"Uhh, yeah."

"Not a peep. And the giant sea turtle nuclear missile launching harnesses initiative?"

"You mean, “Strategic Tortoise Armored Response Wars?”

"Yep. Not a word. The tax payers don’t want to know WHAT we spend their money on, as long as they have Oprah and T.V. dinners."

"Hmmm…well sir, I’ve been crunching some numbers, and this project appears to have a potential cost in the billions."

"Hang it man. These vultures are obscene! Prancing around without a lick of covering over their naked little heads. It’s immoral."

"You know why the bald eagle is the national bird?"

"Beeeeecause it’s majestic and builds its nests in the highest trees and…stuff?"

"No man! It’s the national bird, because of its head! Just look at that full head of feathers. No embarrassing head nudity there."

"Umm. O.K. I’ll get the paperwork ready and notify Congress.”

…and so it was. The bill became known as the “National Aviary anti-nudity law” of 2010, and the Senator went on to four more years of successful serving the people.

The end.

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Donald the devious dinosaur...

There once (approximately 65 million years ago) lived a small and crafty dinosaur named Donald. Donald was a devious dinosaur. For those of you who don't know what devious means, then you should invest in a dictionary or a phone to call a friend whom has a dictionary. Perhaps you could save up enough money for a computer to look up the definition on the internet. This is of course completely absurd as you are reading this story on the computer.

So, back to Donald. Donald was as aforementioned devious. All the other dinosaurs knew this and avoided him at all costs. Donald was in fact the 'Eddie Haskell" of the dinosaur world. He would be sickly sweet as he fawned over this or that, in an attempt to curry favor. All this when everyone knew that Donald was really after some food.

Donald had no tact and often interrupted other dinosaurs in the very act of obtaining food. As you may know dinosaurs for the most part ate other dinosaurs, except the sissy kind that only ate plants. This can be a bloody affair and therefore the FCC has stepped in and censored various portions of this story.

A typical conversation would go like this,

Donald: "Hey, whatch'ya doin?"

Other dinosaur: "Chomp, rip, snarl...huh, what?"

Donald: "I said, whatch'ya doin?"

Other dinosaur: "Hey man, can't you see I'm busy?"

Donald: "Oh, yeah, I can see that and might I add that you're doing a REALLY good job!"

Other dinosaur: "Yeah, great. Anyway, I'm pretty busy. As you can see I have killed this poor defenseless sissy dinosaur."

Dinosaur being eaten: "I'm not completely dead."

Other dinosaur: "Well, you should be. I completely (CENSORED) you (CENSORED) with my large and ferocious teeth!"

Dinosaur being eaten: "Yes, that was fairly amazing, but I'm still alive. Additionally, I don't appreciate the insults. I may be a vegetarian, but it's a lifetstyle choice and frankly none of your business."

Other dinosaur: "I apologize. I see where you are going with this. It was quite rude for me to make such cutting (pun intended..get it...because of the teeth?) remarks before you were dead."

Dinosaur being eaten: "That's perfectly alright. I appreciate your consideration in this matter. Nature may be what nature may be, but there's no reason to make it personal.

*and with that, the other dinosaur (CENSORED) the (CENSORED) out of the little sissy dinosaur's (CENSORED).

Donald: "Well, I must say that that was a VERY clean and effective (CENSORED). By the way, I've heard tell of your KINDNESS and GENEROSITY and thought that I might impose on you for an EXTREMELY small favor."

Other dinosaur: "Oh, great, here it comes."

At this point, Donald would mooch a leg or whatever other morsel he could con off of the other dinosaur. While annoying for you or I, this quickly became a serious source of contention for the other dinosaurs. After all they had a small brain and therefore a limited capacity for tolerating such impositions.

So when he wasn't looking, the other dinosaurs crept up behind Donald and (CENSORED) his (CENSORED) apart with a barage of (CENSORED) that (CENSORED) his (CENSORED) out. With Donald's (CENSORED), (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) out of his (CENSORED), he could no longer mooch food off of the other dinosaurs and in fact became a tasty meal for the venerable "Kevinasaurus Rex"...the meanest and hungriest dinosaur in the world.

The end.

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Turbo-donkey 3000

Have you ever had THIS happen to you? You have a large load of vegetables or other perishables to get to market, and your donkey just won't budge? I know I have.

Now, for a limited time only, BURTCO Industries has revolutionized your produce transportation problems! It's called TURBO-DONKEY 3000!!! No more will your tomatos become toma-don'ts! Your chickens will get there safely, your lettuce will arrive unwilted.


With it's patented, "Donkey rocket" technology, Turbo-donkey 3000 has the speed and acuracy that is unmatched in it's industry. Just look at THIS other major rocket powered brand.



It's way too slow and has been rumored to slam into cars, trees, an other immovable objects. THAT's a good way to get your food where it's going...as long as it's going to the MORGUE!


Yes, with Turbo-donkey 3000, you'll never hear THIS again, "Your vegetables smell like dookie!"


Just listen to this satisfied customer: "I used to habe los of troubles getting my coffee beans to market. With robbers, Federales, and Cartels, I yust could not get my beans to market without muchos problemas. Now when the Federales come, I yust flip a switch (click) I'm off! 'Nos bamos Turbo donkey tree tousand!' Aye, yi, yi!!!"







But wait, there's more! Now, for a limited time only, you can receive the free manual, "One thousand and one useful uses for a stuffed chicken!" when you purchase a Turbo-donkey 3000! The first hundred thousand callers will also receive the guide to identifying spider bites, "Spider bite or just MRSA?!?"


So remember friends, immitation rocket powered animals just won't cut it, and may cause permanent death! So order today, and your Turbo-donkey 3000 will be delivered to you immediately (Please allow six to eight weeks delivery as the Turbo-donkey 3000 is somewhat skittish and will not cross open water such as creeks and small fjords without significant encouragement).


This offer is not available in Florida, California, and Guam. They eat donkeys in Guam.

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Dong Dang Huynh and other funny things

This morning, the fam and I were going to swim in the creek. I was listening to the news and a report regarding an FBI bulletin came over the radio. The story indicated that Dong Dang Huyng was wanted for money laundering. They pronounced the name funny (Huynh Dang Dong) and the kids started laughing (sorry Dong). They further said that Dong might be in Vietnam or Hong Kong. This was too much for the car and the following wordplay ensued:

Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong...where he is playing ping pong.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong...with King Kong.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong...while
acting like ding dongs.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong, while acting like ding dongs...singing a song.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong, while acting like ding dongs, singing a song...about Long's.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong while acting like ding dongs, singing a song about Long's...where they are going to buy palm fronds.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong while acting like ding dongs, singing a song about Long's where they are going to buy palm fronds...to
make magic wands.


Huynh Dang Dong might be in Hong Kong, where he is playing ping pong with King Kong while acting like ding dongs, singing a song about Long's where they are going to buy palm fronds to make magic wands...to turn every girl into blondes.


This is about where it ended, but as you can see, my children will have plenty to talk with Dr. Phil about when they are older.

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Everyone's named Steve...

There was once a land where everyone was named "Steve". Men, women and children were named Steve. Dogs and cats along with various other types of pets were named Steve also.

While this may seem like a novel idea, it actually stunk. Here is a sample of a common daily interaction between a Steve family at the breakfast table: "Hey Steve, could you pass me the milk for my cereal?" Steve asked. "No Steve, I drank the last of the milk last night when I was up late tending to an awful case of indigestion." replied Steve. "COME ON Steve!" yelled Steve. "That's the second time this month you've drank all the milk!"

About this time, the father (also named Steve) steps in. "Alright, the both of you. I've had enough of your bickering! Steve, you will apologize to your sister Steve for drinking all the milk. Steve, you will apologize to your brother Steve for being such a snag." "Oh, Steve" said the mother, "Why do you have to be so hard on the children?" "For the last time Steve" said the father to the mother, "when will you ever back my play? I'm supposed to be the head of this family!" "The head better head out, or he'll be late for work!" Steve looked at his watch and scurried for the door. "We'll talk more about this LATER!" Steve snorted as he left the room.

"Alright kids" Steve said to her son and daughter "You know how much it bothers your father Steve when you fight. Steve, you need to be nicer to your sister, and Steve, you need to be more patient with your brother."

"You're right mother" said Steve "I'm sorry Steve. I'll try to be nicer." "I agree, I'll see if I can put up with more of your immature nonsense than usual." said Steve to her brother.

Steve the mother and the two children named Steve all laughed together as they thought about how silly the argument had truely been. Steve the dog wagged his tail and barked in appreciation for all the love that was being shared in the room.

As you can see, this is a horrible place and we'll have no more of it.

The end.

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Kevin and Derek's dysfunctional relationship...

Kevin was a lemur. He was no ordinary lemur...well, I guess he was pretty standard as far as lemurs go. Not much to say there.

Anyway, Kevin was the leader of a small pack (herd, pack, flock? Lemurs never were given the 411 on what to call themselves, en masse). Kevin was a fairly compassionate lemur who thought that the group should be more inclusive as a whole. There had been several attempts by other animals to join their little herd, pack, flock (or whatever you may call it) of lemurs, but they were either chased off or given the cold shoulder until they would wander away with all new reasons to get lost in self doubt.

One bright morning, Kevin awoke to find a large dinosaur sleeping in the center of their little community. "This was not there before." thought Kevin. He was almost completely certain of that one point. Two points of which Kevin held feelings of less certainty were, A) What was the dinosaur doing in the middle of their living area, and 2) would his intentions be honorable and not end in the senseless eating of several members of his community. Kevin would not have long to wait for answers to both questions.

As the sunlight bathed over the last tall tree, the rooster crowed. The dinosaur awoke drowsily and sat his head up. He immediately ate the rooster in one enormous bite.

On most days, this type of activity would have bothered Kevin but a little, but Keving you see had very important meetings this week which required him to wake punctually (aided of course by the inherent need for the rooster to crow at the first signs of sunlight).

"Excuse me," beckoned Kevin the lemur to the dinosaur. "Would you please spit that back out? I need it, you see." "I'm sorry" said the dinosaur, "I've already swallowed it past my pyloric sphincter. As I'm sure you're aware, once it's passed that point, there is no coming back." Kevin bristled a little as he regarded the dinosaur's reply.

"Well, sir." Kevin snorted, "This simply will not do. We have rules and such around these parts, which preclude the eating of smaller beasts by larger and more teethier ones." The dinosaur thought about this for a short while, then said, "O.K. I understand. My name is Derek and I shall refrain from eating lesser beasts, as long as you let me live here. I like this spot, and frankly, I am in no hurry to leave." Kevin agreed and slowly over the next few weeks, an awkward friendship began among the two.

Things were going alright for the most part, when Kevin started realizing that his small group, pack (whatever) was getting smaller. "That's odd" thought Kevin. "I wonder the other lemurs have gone on some type of vacation of some sort?" They had in a way gone on a permenant vacation...one that would led through the entrails of Derek the dinosaur and end in a small distasteful pile on the side of the road.

Kevin really became concerned when his girlfriend Phillis and her brother Phillip dissappeared. Phillis for obvious reasons and Phillip because he owed him some money.

Kevin approached Derek one day and said, "Excuse me, Derek. Have you any idea what has happened to the others of this herd, pack, flock or whatever you may call it?" Derek looked at Kevin and smiled a wide toothy smile, "Nope." Kevin gasped as he spied there between Derek's front incisor and his other incisor (he's a dinosaur, that's all he has...it's because he only eats meat. You should know this stuff.) was the lovely tail of his late Phillis.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Kevin stated. "What have you done? You've eaten them haven't you?!?!?" "Well, since you're asking..." Derek said, "Yeah, I did have a few...dozen."

"What am I supposed to think of this? I let you stay here, against the wishes of the others in this herd, pack, flock or whatever you may call it and now you've eaten them!!! Well, that's just GREAT!!!"

"You can calm down, I won't eat any more." Derek reassured Kevin. Just then, Chuck the lemur walked by and Derek snapped him up into his rather large jaws. "HEY! I thought you said you weren't going to eat any more?" Derek just shrugged and looked on sheepishly. William the lemur was riding his new bike past the two and Derek slowly leaned to the side and sucked him into his mouth, "Swoooooop...crunch."

"Alright mister!" Kevin exclaimed. "You're OUTTA HERE!!!" Kevin marched over to Derek and pushed hard against the large dinosaur's torso. He tugged, he shoved, he lifted, but Derek would just not be moved.

"Are you quite finished?" Derek asked. "I'm getting a stomach ache"

This was it. Kevin would have no more. Why had he let this mangy dinosaur into his tribe in the first place? Kevin stood with his paws on his hips and looked Derek straight in the eye. "I trusted you, but that's it! If you eat one more lemur..!"

Children, I will spare you the gruesome details of Kevin's little trip through the dinosaur's not-so-super highway. So remember little ones, just because a person says he's your friend, doesn't mean he isn't eating your family for lunch.

The end.

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Tony's almost famous pizzaria...

Yo here, it's Tony of Tony's almost famous pizzaria. I got like six different pizzas here. I gots the pepperoni. I gots linguisa. I even gots pineapple. I don't know what kind of sissy would order the pineapple pizza, but I'll be sure to let you know when he comes in.

How did I get started you may ask. Well, come over here and sit down. My father...my father he was a good man. My father said, "Little Tony. Make a life for yourself. Do something nice to make the people happy and don't never let nobody get you down an' you'll get someplace in life." I believed him.

"HEY VINNIE! GET THE PAPER TOWELS FOR THE BATHROOM! MRS. VINCHENZO DON'T HAVE NOTHIN' TO WIPE HER HANDS WIT!" Sorry about that. Anyways, I thought to myself, "Little Tony. What could you do to make the people happy?" I didn't know anything. I thought and thought. I thought alot back then. Now, not so much.

So's my mother and my father, they took me one night to a pizzaria. They had like five different pizzas there! I was in heaven. I ate like three different pizza slices wit' my cousins. I knew it then, that this was my calling in life. I was a gonna be a pizza guy.

So sit down and have yourself a nice slice of the pizza. I got some cracked peppers an some shakey-cheese. You want it fast? Forgetaboutit.

Take a load off and enjoy some of Tony's almost famous pizza.

The end.

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